


captain, commander and whore

by JadeLupine



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Sex, Angst, Closeted Gay Character, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Heterosexual Sex, Homophobia, Kinks, Kissing, Love, M/M, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Oral Sex, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Porn With Plot, Prostitution, Romance, Sex Toys, Sex for Money, Slow Burn, Voyeurism, canonverse, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-28
Updated: 2015-07-02
Packaged: 2018-04-01 16:34:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4027012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JadeLupine/pseuds/JadeLupine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tall, blonde Captain Erwin Smith is the perfect method to extract funds from noblemen’s desperate wives and when the Survey Corps bring in dirty, bedraggled, beautiful Levi with his promiscuous glares, this method of funding seems to have a long and virtuous future. Levi seems to have no problem, and even prefers serving men whilst Erwin shudders at this vulgarity, but as he is promoted to Commander and his prostitution ceased, he finds himself becoming intrigued by the practice of this homosexuality, and by Levi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. heterosexual

**Author's Note:**

> so the premise for the fic is -
> 
> erwin is a prostitute who's 100% straight yeah yeah suRE he is
> 
> levi is another
> 
> this also will follow canon pretty closely, except the origin story, and its meant to be 3 chapters long, two of which already written. the sexual warnings for each chapter is put in the notes.
> 
> this chapter contains - homophobic language

Erwin looks at himself in the mirror and runs the fine teeth of the comb across his hairline, making sure that his sideburns are aligned and his undercut not too shaven. He closed his eyes and grit his jaw, trying to stick it out further than it already was, the unsatisfied noblewomen often preferred their men with an almost exaggerated touch of masculinity, so Erwin darkened his stare and stood straight, smoothing out his white shirt and unbuttoning the top two buttons. He sat down on the bed and wondered at his client for the night – Lord Jarvis’s wife, he’d seen her at parties where he had tagged along with Shadis. He smirked, of course she needed extra satisfaction, Lord Jarvis had more chins than children.

“Captain Smith, are you prepared?” Shadis knocked once before coming in. The man’s eyes were haggard and his mouth drawn permanently down – and this fact made Erwin painfully aware that he was next in line for this post.  “Isn’t it Jarvis’s wife tonight?”

“Yes, Commander.” Erwin inclined his head respectfully. “How much money do you think I should ask from her? The family is rich with old money, Commander, and they can afford to give us enough to fund at least two expeditions to retrieve supplies, if not three.”

“Ask for ten thousand, Erwin.” Shadis looked out of the door hastily before dropping his formal tone and sitting on the bed. “Show her a good time, won’t you?”

“I’ll do my best, Commander.” Erwin ran the tips of his fingers across his perfectly coiffed hairline once more.

“You didn’t expect this, did you, boy?” Shadis’s mouth curved into a smile on one side, although the other side remained drawn and unhappy. “Joining the Scouting Legion, rising up like a bloody paper rocket – and then being prostituted out to fat wives? It’s because of your looks, you know. Or else you wouldn’t have to….”

“Anything for the good of humanity, Commander.” Erwin said pompously, and raised a hand in salute, pressing it to his chest. “The money from this goes to fund expeditions, and to further Hange’s research. For such a worthy cause, small discomforts have to be endured.”

“Spoken like someone educated from the shitty Sina private schools.” Shadis snorted, before getting up heavily and pressing Erwin’s shoulder with a large hand. “Go make some cash tonight then, Captain.”

Erwin nodded and saluted again, before walking out of the building, and thrusting his hand out for a carriage. He wouldn’t have minded walking, he thought, but it might rain and he shouldn’t look messy or unkempt, after all, that was possibly part of his appeal – the perfect hair and white smile and clean-pressed coats. Shadis was right, he mused, leaning his head back onto the cracked upholstery – he has never expected this when he joined the Corps. He had dreamed of glory and fighting Titans and saving humanity, and he did do so, but he also slunk out of doors at night and made money that the nobles were unwilling to give. This was also somewhat of a taboo topic in the Corps, some of them knowing that the hard-ass Captain of the 74th Squad often seduced rich women at night, but nobody spoke of it. The carriage stuttered to a stop, and the dark-skinned, beady eyed driver pushed his hand through the slats for money which Erwin dropped in his palm.

“Is this Lord Jarvis’s estate?” He enquired of the old butler after showing his certificates to the guards. “Is Mrs. Jarvis at home and expecting a visitor from the Corps?”

“Yes, yes.” The butler raised his eyes for a fleeting second before lowering them again. “Go up the stairs and the room is the biggest. You won’t miss it.”

Erwin climbed up the stairs, taking in with his eyes the ornate gold furnishings and the carvings on the banister. he had once lived in a house like this, before they killed his father and they had lost their money. He strokes the griffin carved on the wall with his hands, slightly running his fingers across the tapestry’s threads, feeling the bumps raise and lower beneath his fingers – he had never understood art, but always found it beautiful.

“Pretty, isn’t it?” A willowy voice whispered from behind. “My sisters and I made it when we were younger. We hated it then, of course, but I really think it’s pretty now.”

Erwin tuned to the voice, and followed the head of soft brown curls into the bedroom, watched as she shut the large wooden doors, locking it with a click. He had practice with this part of the ritual, and had never gotten caught once, he muses triumphantly as the girl turns around. She looks incredibly young and slender, far too young to be the wife of fat, unwieldy, odorous Jarvis, and Erwin wonders if he should make a clarification.

“Miss, how old are you?” He murmurs as the girl turns to him and lowers her robe, exposing extremely small, almost boyish breasts and a soft triangle of hair in between pale legs.

“Don’t worry, Captain Smith, I’m twenty seven.” She cooed, touching his jawline. “Too old, Jarvis sometimes says.”

Erwin feels arousal stirring in him slightly, and he’s surprised – he never actually gets properly aroused in these situations unless he started jerking himself off – but staring at her almost non-existent breasts and flat stomach made his tights uncomfortable, and his breathing hitch. He drops to his knees and softly nudges the woman to the bed, where she lies down, her legs open slightly, and he uses his hands to spread her thighs apart, before quickly unbuttoning his shirt with practiced fingers. He parted her lips gently with his fingers before licking her softly with his tongue, knowing where exactly it would make her gasp.

“Please –“ she stutters, her hips raising, and he lowers his lips slightly- lets his teeth graze her sensitivity and she shivers. A low tolerance – he thinks, and lets his tongue stroke her once more, before raising his head – his lips wet and full.

“Would you mind having intercourse, ma’am?”

“Now – now, if you please, Captain.” She cries out and opens her legs wider as he pulls down his trousers, and closes his eyes before stroking his cock roughly, and still with his eyes closed, he positions himself at her entrance, feeling it wet and yielding.

“Are you sure, Mrs. Jarvis?” he asks once more, opening his eyes and looking down at her.

“Fuck –“ she nods, and he enters her slowly, feeling muscles clench around him, and he exhales slowly, finding her nub with his practiced fingers, and rubbing slowly in circles as he moved further in. There was a moment of resistance, and a pained gasp from the woman as Erwin’s eyes widen in realization – and disgust toward Lord Jarvis. His hand moved faster as he slowly pleasured her from within and outside, the woman’s hair spreading across the bed, her eyes half lidded as she whispers something unintelligible, and throws back her head – exposing a slender neck, and her muscles squeeze tight around him as she shudders violently, gasping. Erwin pulls out wetly, still hard, and stands up, looking down at Lady Jarvis, but she grabs onto his hand.

“I haven’t made you happy.” she murmurs. “Let me make you happy.”

“No, no, there is no need, Ma’am.” He smiles. “Tonight is yours.”

“But let me do it.” she tells him again, forcefully. “He never comes home, and when he does, he’s with those men from his bodyguards. I could _never_ make him happy. So why can’t I try it with you?”

“Go ahead, Lady Jarvis.” Erwin closes his eyes as the naked woman kneeled and took him into her mouth, moving softly and using her tongue in an inexperienced, but still somewhat pleasurable method. Erwin focuses on blankness and only the sensation, for he knows vulgar pictures would come to him if he let himself fantasize – pictures that men should not think of, and the thought makes his hips shake, and he pulls out roughly, and orgasms into his hand, breathing harshly, once, twice, thrice.

“Why doesn’t your husband come to your bed?” he asks Lady Jarvis a while later, as he buttoned his shirt up wearily. “He should be lucky to have a beautiful woman like you.”

“He doesn’t want a beautiful woman.” Lady Jarvis spoke with a resigned air, her mouth curving up sadly. “He prefers the company of men, Captain Smith.”

“Disgusting.” Erwin mutters, and feels dryness creep into his throat. “Men should…be…”

He clears his throat.

“Men should be with their wives. It’s an abomination.”

“Ah, but Sina, Maria and Rose made him that way, Captain.” Lady Jarvis walked over to her dresser and got a sheaf of papers. “It’s not up for you or I to decide, and it is not his fault. But I must get pleasure too, mustn’t I? Here, this is the deed to a farm in Maria. It will fetch your Corps twenty thousand.”

Enough for four expeditions, Erwin thinks as he smiles and salutes to the woman, the papers clutched tightly in his hand. As he walked onto the street, too worked up to find another carriage, he thinks about Lady Jarvis again, and her husband who preferred the company of men. Why would someone want such a thing, his lips curl as he runs his fingers agitatedly through his hair. He tries to imagine it, and suddenly gasps, feeling an itch in his throat and some sort of warmth at his groin. Aftereffects of the sex, he decides. She was a beautiful woman.

 

-

  
Erwin counted thirty two clients in two years, most of them having been serviced twice, as he gave the money from his latest conquest to Shadis – the woman had been overly willing, pressing wet lips toward his nether regions, and he had in turn demanded for thirty thousand, plus backing from her husband for the latest expedition. Shadis laughed momentarily as he listen to Erwin relate the tale in disgust, although his pleasure probably came more from the money he was holding and filing into a brown paper bag.

“Commander, they really are getting more desperate –“ Erwin’s teeth glint as he gives a rare smile, but the moment is interrupted as Mike shoves his head in, blood speckling his lip.

“Commander, permission to enter?” he asks, his hair ruffled.

“Fuck, Zacharias, what the hell did you do? Get in a fight with the recruits?” Shadis groaned, looking at his disheveled state.

“No, I found a thief trying to steal our 3DMG supplies, Commander. Captain Smith.” He saluted respectfully, before turning and dragging in a small statured boy, his hands tied behind his back. “The bastard thought I wouldn’t smell him out, and put up a damn good fight.”

The boy looked up and twisted his head to spit at Mike, before glaring at Shadis and Erwin with such viciousness that Erwin took an involuntary step back. He also realized the boy was not too young, perhaps in his twenties, and it was only his height and figure that made him look younger. His features were somewhat feminine, with a small, structured nose and red lips although those could have been swollen from fighting. He noticed Erwin looking at him, and snarled like an animal, although it seemed more in mockery than anger.

“What’s your name thief?” Shadis sighed as he put down his notes. “Name, and district.”

“Levi.” The man muttered, and there was an accent to the name, something about the rolled R. “Levi, from the Sina Underground. Now let me fucking go, won’t you? I won’t try to steal your shit, don’t worry your ass off.”

“But you already have, bastard.” Shadis flared up. “So you’ll have to be punished for that, won’t you?”

“Why do you want our Maneuver Gear?” Erwin’s voice cut into the loud ruckus. “Who taught you?”

“Like you give a shit, pretty boy.” Levi laughed, and spat out a little bit of blood. “Now what do you want me to do, to free myself? Run around your pathetic headquarters as punishment? Will you behead me? I’d like to see that.”

“Don’t be disrespectful to the Commander you filth!” Mike roared, and raised his long leg to kick the man in the head, but even with hands bound he managed to evade capture. He laughed again, sardonically as Mike glared at him and Shadis looked impressed, it seemed he was practiced at drawing attention to himself, and away from himself. Erwin found his eyes straying to his figure, and again wondered how he could look so feminine, or perhaps it was the way he held himself.

“What, you want a favour from me, is it?” Levi snorted. “What?”

“What do you want to do to secure your punishment, then?” Shadis raised his eyebrows and stood up. “You decide.”

“Well –“ Levi raised his eyebrows, and considered the three men in the room. “There’s only three of you, and on only this Commander bloke looks like he can take a good cocksucking. All right then, fuckers, let’s get onto it.”

Before they could comprehend the situation, Levi dropped to his knees before Shadis, and unbuckled his belt deftly, put his mouth to his zipper and used his teeth to bring it down. Something rose in Erwin and he forced it downwards, blindly moving to Levi and dragging him away from the Commander, who turned fiery red and did up his belt even faster than Levi had undone it. Erwin still couldn’t see straight however, and looked at the newcomer’s cocky, promiscuous face with the girlish lips and high cheekbones. Rage bloomed in him like an orchestra and he slapped Levi across the face, pushing him backward against the wall before Mike grabbed Erwin’s shoulders, dragging him backwards.

“Calm down, Erwin.” Mike’s low voice soothed. “Don’t let the rat get you up.”

“Don’t get your shit in a twist.” Shadis said smoothly, his earlier embarrassment vanished. “Mike, if you’re sure Smith won’t lose his ass again, could you please leave the room? I’ll give you a day off this week for capturing this worthless ass, and another for stopping Smith from killing it. So that’s two days off. Now get lost.”

Mike’s eyes widened in barely suppressed joy (days off were heartbreakingly uncommon) before shooting out without a further glance, and leaving a smirking Levi with his bloody nose, Erwin panting heavily, and Shadis. The Captain looked accusingly at Shadis, but the dark haired man put up a hand, and sat down at his desk before continuing.

“Firstly, Levi – touch me again and I’ll make sure you throw up your own entrails and eat them for dinner.”

“I like your sense of humour.” Levi’s lips raised in a bloody grin. “Too bad your soldiers are a party of cunts, aren’t they?”

“Keep your mouth shut, filth.” Erwin snapped, his eyes flaring and his fist clenching.

“Erwin, _shut up_.” Shadis growled dangerously. “Cut Levi’s bindings, and I give you _full permission_ to slit his throat if he tries to run.”

“No, I won’t.” Levi grinned at Erwin as the blonde man cut through the bindings with a sharp flick of his knife. Levi got up and walked toward the desk, rubbing his wrists. “Now, what’s your deal?”

“Who told you there’s a deal?” Shadis raised an eyebrow, before grunting in laughter. “Now. The Corps, as you probably aren’t aware, are always underfunded. We have to make money stretch to ways you can’t even believe. That’s why everyone overreacted to you stealing our gear.”

“I assume you can use the gear?” Erwin asked, standing a safe distance away.

“No, pretty-boy, I stole it to make metal soup.” Levi snapped. “Of course I can fucking use it.”

“Good.” Shadis interrupted. “This makes the deal more solid. Now – if I wanted, I could hand you over to the Military Police, they’ll look up your criminal history, and then have you killed. Or – you would join the Survey Corps.”

“Why the hell would I want to join your shitty Corps?” Levi’s eyebrows raised, and he laughed incredulously. “Live with giant nose back there, and god-knows whatever you call this one with the fucking eyebrows? Hang me.”

“They would.” Erwin said darkly. “Members are rare to come by here, Levi – and joining us would…I assume you are no landlord in the Underground. I assume you would do better when you join us.”

“As if I’ve got a choice.” Levi’s eyes clouded over. “Now, that’s your deal? Fine, I accept. I don’t give a shit as long as you don’t expect me to care about your funds or whatever nonsense.”

“You may have to.” Shadis continued. “Now, as I said, the Corps found it hard to make money, so we try… incredibly creative ways. Which is why we ask Erwin to go to the houses of nobles’ wives –“

“Commander!” Erwin’s eyes widened, as Levi started laughing raucously his shoulders shaking and eyes watering. He held on to Shadis’ desk to stop choking in laughter, and came down with a gasp.

“You’re saying that this guy with a stick up his ass is your resident prostitute?” He smirked. “I’d never have guessed, the way he reacted when he saw me try to touch you.”

“Er. Yes.” Shadis frowned. “Now, seeing your readiness to…serve, if I may put it so, made me think that we could have double the income if we put both of you to work, shall we say? There are, after all, a lot of unsatisfied women in Sina. Of course, you may refuse the task, Levi, and merely join the Corps, but it is, for us –“

“Why would I refuse fucking, and instead just agree to fight shitty Titans? I agree. It’s pretty similar to my old job, anyway.” Levi husked, and rubbed his wrists once more. “When do you want me to start?”

“Tonight, if preferable.” Shadis looked illegally happy. “A client by the name of Lady Moor has asked for Erwin, but we can send you to her. If you go left from this room, you’ll meet a woman Hanji. She’ll tend to your room, and find you clothes for the night after which you can change into uniform. Mrs. Moor is the wife of Lord Moor, noble of Stina District. I trust you know the place?”

“Sure. That’s above where they sell the illegal weaponry.” Levi drawled, and trailed from the room, far less dramatic than when he came in. Erwin turned to Shadis, his eyes blazing.

“With all due respect, Commander, I agree with your decision on him joining the Corps, but –“

“Yes, yes, you don’t agree to me asking him to do what you do.” Shadis looked down at the funds Erwin brought. “Why not, may I ask?”

“He’s… immoral. Unnatural. This…men shouldn’t –“ Erwin stuttered, spots of colour appearing high on his cheeks.

“And what _you_ do, bedding women at midnight, is that moral and natural?” Shadis waited until Erwin looked sufficiently penitent, before speaking again. “Now, I do have my concerns, so I need you to trail him. He’ll be at Moor’s house at seven, so I need you to check up on them by eight. Keep yourself hidden, just see if he’s doing his job, and _make sure_ he doesn't run away. He's aesthetically pleasing, almost as much as you. The women would go crazy. So make sure he doesnt tell them of his position. Understood?”

“Yes sir.”

 

-

 

Moor Landing was probably the largest house Erwin had seen, however, it was almost completely unguarded, the clicks of guards’ boots not being heard in the inky night. Lady Moor had probably asked all the guards to remove themselves for her night of pleasure, Erwin muses, and runs his hands through his blonde hair again. He enters the darkened house and smells dust – his nose twitching as he climbed up the spiral staircase, elegant and old. He wondered which of the rooms Levi had taken the woman to, and listened out for the soft panting characteristic of sex. He padded softly down the hallway, pausing outside a door when he heard some sort of mewling from inside. It was far too far away to be inside the room directly, so Erwin turned the doorknob, and saw that the room had a curtained partition, with the dresser and wardrobe on the side of the door, and separated by the curtain, the moaning and choking which presumably came from the bed.

All right, they’re having intercourse, Erwin decided, and turned to leave – but he heard Levi’s keening moan and something caught in his throat. His legs carried him over to stand directly behind the curtain, smelling in the dust from possibly decades ago, and Levi and the woman’s noises carrying over to him.  He opened the curtain slightly, his fingers numb – and sees Levi sprawled naked on the bed, but he was in the position of a woman, his legs spread lewdly, his eyes fluttering shut and his cock curving up toward his stomach. Erwin felt himself harden, and flushed in embarrassment, yet couldn’t draw away his eyes. The woman kneeled at the end of the bed, a black-haired, nondescript lady who was holding some long, almost transparent tube with a rounded end. Erwin’s breath caught in his throat as he saw the woman insert an oil-covered finger into Levi, followed by another – and Levi was grunting slowly as she established a rhythm to the thrusting. Erwin feels his cock make a visible tent in his pants, and cheeks burning red – he pulls himself out.

He was completely hard, the tip wet and leaking – and he started stroking himself as he watched the woman lick Levi’s asshole as if he were a woman – Erwin felt a shiver run down his back as he twitched his hips into his hand. Levi was groaning softly as the woman now coated the tube in oil, and placed it at Levi’s entrance.

“Do you want me to fuck you, soldier?” the woman asked quietly. “Do you want this inside you?”

“Fucking yeah –“ Levi groaned again, and Erwin’s hand began jerking faster as he saw Levi stretch around the toy, his mouth wet and beautiful, his nipples standing up. Levi moaned, and Erwin, for the first time in his life – had his eyes open as he masturbated, drawn to the way the toy fucked Levi slowly as if it were a cock, and when Levi arched his back and thrusted up, breathing loudly in orgasm, Erwin yanked the curtain shut and went out of the room, slumping against the door with his head bowed and sweat dripping off his chin, his hand still moving fast – he imagines himself as the toy, entering Levi and feeling his muscles clench around him, and the thought is too much, Erwin comes sticky and loud into his hand, choking and hissing through his teeth, his eyes flaring. But all too soon the moment is gone, and Erwin cleans himself up hastily with his handkerchief and exits the house at an almost running speed, and sits at the steps, his head lowered.

He was filth, he thinks. He had always known, somewhere within him that he did not prefer intercourse with women, but never had he thought he would be aroused by men. He was filth, dirty, disgusting. He almost wanted to cry, as he looked down at himself, at his polished boots and clean fingernails – he had had no qualms about sleeping with women, but had behaved like an ogre to those who were homosexual. Like himself, he thinks now, and runs a hand over his face as Levi exits the house, his hair mussed but looking none the worse.

“What, were you waiting to take me home? I’m not going to fucking run away.” Levi looked at Erwin, and followed him outside into the road. “Hey, you’re not sick or something are you? I don’t want that sort of shit on my head if you’ve picked it up around here. Filthy fucking house.”

Sick in the head, Erwin thinks, and smiles lightly.

“Er, Levi –“ He starts, and gathers up the words. “I want to apologize. For my behaviour earlier. I let prejudice get away with me, and I would be grateful if you forgive me.”

“What, for calling me a homo?” Levi raised his eyebrows and glanced at Erwin. “And what’s the prissy word, “un-natural”?”

“I am deeply sorry.”

“It doesn’t matter at all. The fuck, Smith, is that what’s got you all worked up?”

“I suppose it is.” Erwin lied, finding himself liking the brash lilt of Levi’s accent.

“It’s just nature. Fucking nature.” Levi mused, shoving his hands in his pockets and glancing up at the dark, starless sky. “There isn’t anything to fucking apologize for. Some people like men only. I like both. You like women only.”

“Yes.” Erwin frowns. “Yes, that’s true.”

He looks at Levi's smooth hands. 

Women only. 

He feels like a liar. 


	2. questioning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> erwin questions himself again. levi is suspicious that erwin is no longer merely questioning his sexuality. the world crumbles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI thank you for all your lovely comments! i noticed a lot of u guys liked the fact that erwin was the one questioning himself, and yep i agree definitely, since erwin was the one in a prissy upbringing and levi was in the underground  
> anyhow, happy reading, and i hope you leave good reviews xx
> 
> sexual warnings involve - threesomes, anal sex, homophobic language

And so it is and so it will be. Erwin continued to go out at night, to service the women who asked for him, and Levi went in the opposite direction – to lend a hand and a cock to his clients. And if Erwin looks back at Levi once or twice, he doesn’t mention it – and if he thinks of his hair falling over his eyes when he comes, he doesn’t speak of it. They go in opposite directions and service different women. The talk on the Sina streets was brutal – talk of the “handsome Corps men fraternizing with neighborhood wives.” Rumors were neither confirmed nor denied by Shadis, who didn’t care who said what as long as their casualty count at each expedition was less than twenty five percent, not by the wives who only blushed delicately, appropriately, and most of all vehemently denied by the nobles who continued to pour money into the Corps, perhaps for silence. Business was rampant, as Hanji had managed to have the Corps drag in an entire desecrated Titan to study, and their popularity grew somewhat with the bored, languid King and his gossiping nobles.

“There’s an assignment for both of you tonight.” Shadis muttered distractedly, scratching letters onto blank parchment paper. Levi winced at his handwriting, he was spilling ink all over the place and his fingers were blue with the stuff. “A woman by the name of Lady Mercer. Her husband owns the factory for 3DMG parts, and she says she can sweet-talk him into getting us three shipments of the gear. So you two give her the time of her life for that guarantee, understood?”

“Yes, Sir.” Erwin complied, nodding sharply as Levi tried to hold back a snort at the man’s obedience. Levi braced his arms on Shadis’s desk and yawned, leading Erwin to shake his head at his impudence.

“What about me, then?” He drawled, trying not to look at Shadis’ atrocious handwriting. “Don’t get me one of them fucking nymphomaniacs again, will you, Commander? The last one smelled like a pigsty and wanted me to put my nose in her cunt four times in a night.”

“Levi, watch your tongue around the Commander.” Erwin’s eyes widened, and he took an involuntary step back. Something within compelled him to laugh, but of course, he wouldn’t do that.

“Oh, sorry, pretty boy.” Levi apologized with a grin. “Forgot you liked that stuff.”

“Enough, enough.” Shadis waved his pen around and Levi’s eyes widened in horror at the ink splashing about. “This lady wants both of you at once. You two know how much three shipments of gear cost, right? Eighty thousand. She probably wants a front and back sandwich or something, I don’t care – do it for her if you can.”

“Shit, that’s a lot of cash for just two guys.” Levi sat down on the chair with a jarring bump, and scratched at his fringe. “Sure she doesn’t want the entire Corps lined up at her doorway? I can bribe them or something, Commander. Mike in only tights, Nanaba in her sexy gear, Hanji….well Hanji shutting the fuck up is pretty hot.”

“Levi – do not”

“Do you even have the authority to yell at me, beak-face?” Levi frowned heatedly. “Aren’t you captain of the other fucking squad?”

“Levi – I have paperwork. Follow Erwin out, would you, and ask him to practice some shit with you.” Shadis muttered, his eyes bulging. Most recruits were quiet, or grief-stricken, or (the best kind) even mute. He didn’t expect, when he bribed this one to stay, that they’d get a mouth as filthy as the sewers he’d came from and despised. He shakes his head and picks up his pen. He should really work on his writing, he thinks.

-

“Why the fuck are you blushing?” Levi looks up at Erwin, and sees that his cheeks are flushed. They’re walking down the open corridor of the headquarters, dust stirring up lightly under their feet and the waning sun glancing against the walls. “I don’t care, it’s something fucking pervy, I bet. Let’s get there then. Must be a desperate bitch, to want a threesome.”

“Should I hire a carriage, or do you wish to walk?” Erwin went into his room and held the door as if to close it. “Excuse me, I’d like to get ready.”

“Fuck off.” Levi elbowed past him into Erwin’s room, and sat on the bed. “Preen your fucking face and let’s hire a carriage. I can’t understand how you bastards don’t like wasting money.”

He crosses his legs and leans on Erwin’s bed as if he belongs there.

“Well, money is hard to come by. Which is why we’re reduced to these measures.” Erwin wet a comb on a plate with dingy water, and raked it sideways through his hair, trying not to look at Levi. He straightened his collar and rubbed some wax onto the sides of his undercut.

“Oh, I forgot you don’t enjoy sex.” Levi snorted, an ungainly sound, and got up off the bed to stand in front of Erwin and view the mirror. Erwin’s eyes drew up involuntarily, to stare at the way he and Levi looked together, how small Levi seemed compared to him and how close in proximity they were. He swallows, and tries to physically push away the dirty, intrusive thoughts.

“What are you waiting for, let’s hire a carriage?” Levi calls from the doorway, and Erwin follows him out into the road, pretending not to notice as Levi gleefully points to the biggest carriage with the plush velvet seats, and he hopes Shadis isn’t watching. They climb into the back, sitting on the joined seat, and Erwin sticks his head out of the window. He wonders where Levi came from, what sort of squalor and disgust, to take so much excitement in hiring a carriage. He compares this to his own childhood, even after his father passed away they had reasonable wealth, and he had had a good education and hearty, meaty food. The image of Levi so miniscule next to him flashes through his mind as the wind hits his face, and he imagines the other man’s undernourished childhood. It was possibly this that led him to face Levi, eyes flashing.

“Have you ever tried ices?” He asked eagerly.

“What the fuck?” Levi frowned. “The fuck are ices?”

“I don’t know, it’s made with frozen milk and honey and sugar – children have them all the time, and even I have to digress, they taste incredible.” Erwin continued, gesturing with his hands. “So have you tasted them?”

“…no.” Levi sheepishly scratched his undercut. “I don’t think they had that stuff much in the Underground. All the milk was spoiled anyway, ices would probably taste like frozen vomit.”

“Ah.” Erwin bit the inside of his cheeks and tapped the driver on his shoulder. “Excuse me, sir, could you stop by the side of the road for a second, I’ll pay the waiting charge.”

“What are we stopping for, this is a crowded street, Erwin – you can’t stop to take a shit.”

“Vendor? The biggest you’ve got, thanks. Here’s the money, please keep the change.” Erwin called out of the window to the old man with deep wrinkles under his eyes. He took the ice cream from the vendor, and handed it to Levi, who took it with a look of bemused acceptance. After wiping his hands on the upholstery, Erwin looked earnestly at Levi, a small smile on his face as he watched the man eat it, a look of pure bliss on his face, a speck of cream on his chin and hands sticky with the substance.

“Is it good?” Erwin asks, clearing his throat. “I used to eat one a day as a child.”

“It tastes like – “ Levi took another bite, his voice muffled. “Like that time I jerked off in the toilet and I came so fucking hard that I think the Military Police heard me all the way in the Palace.”

Erwin bit back a laugh, walls have ears. He watched Levi eat for a while longer before dragging his eyes away and staring out of the window. His thoughts are friendly, he thinks, he only felt pity for Levi’s childhood and bought him the treat. His intentions were only comradely. See, he did not even watch for longer than necessary the way that Levi’s eyes lit up and widened, and he convinces himself again, drills the thoughts into his head, _not men_. He swallows again, resting his head against the cushioned wood and closing his eyes, pretending to rest so that Levi would not talk to him.

“Wake up, we’re here.” Levi called before he alighted from the carriage, straightening his shirt before he walked into the gardens. Erwin followed hastily into the handsome house, knocking politely on the rough wood of the door. The woman herself opened the door with a grating latch, she had presumably sent away the guards and servants like most of their other clients. Lady Mercer had an incredibly self assured air, her grey eyes glinting as she sized up Erwin and Levi, her greying hair curling at her shoulders. She tapped Erwin’s collar buttons, a universal signal to take his shirt off before doing the same to Levi. The men removed their shirts with a practiced air before turning again to Lady Mercer.

“I think I’d like to have the small one take me from behind while the Captain watches, and then after we’re done – you Captain, you take me from the front. Is that agreeable?” Lady Mercer winked and didn’t wait for an agreement, shedding clothes one by one as she walked into the paper-walled bedroom with a low futon bed.

“For an old bitch, she’s pretty well done, don’t you think?” Levi hissed quietly as he followed, broadening his shoulders as best as he could.

“We’d be in the _same room_?” Erwin hissed back, his cheeks turning fiery red as he entered the room, and gently shut the door. He took his time in stripping, and averted his eyes from where Levi hastily tore off his clothes and began kissing the women. Erwin frowned as he sat nude on the cushions on the floor, his legs stretched loosely before him, he had never kissed a woman he had serviced before – instead he only sexually pleasured them. Kissing them like Levi had, Erwin sucks in a breath, he wonders how it would feel. No, he thinks, as his nails dig into his thighs and Levi and Lady Mercer begin making aroused noises. No, thinking about things was only asking for trouble.

Lady Mercer positioned herself on all fours on the bed, her ass cheeks being spread open by Levi’s lithe, girlish hands, his fingernails running across her crack. He takes his time in kissing, touching and licking, a hand occasionally straying to her clit to tease it before drawing back and returning his attentions to her asshole, before he straightens up and calls to Erwin.

“Oi, do you know if there’s lube in here?”

“What?” Erwin’s eyes widened and he quickly covered his crotch which was starting to show signs of arousal at the way Levi’s cock was half hard already. “Oh, er – I think this is it?”

Levi grabbed it out of the air and returned to his ministrations, coating one finger in the thick, oily substance and pressing it into Lady Mercer, making the woman arch her back as Levi slowly inserted the finger into her, presumably curling it as he drew it out, dragging a moan from her. Levi continued, using his other hand to slowly jerk himself, his cock standing up in arousal and curving toward his flat abdomen, the slit dripping slightly already. Erwin closed his eyes as his cock stirred some more, rising under pressure with the pleasurable tingling in his stomach and for the first time in his life he wishes he were not naked. He keeps his eyes closed for a reasonable time, and sits on his hands so as to not touch his cock, until Lady Mercer almost screamed, and his eyes shot open of their own accord. Levi was _fucking_ her, from behind, taking her like a dog or an animal, and Erwin’s breathing began to hitch in his throat, he did not know whether from panic or arousal. Levi grunted quietly as his lips swayed, thrusting inside and out of the woman, and Erwin’s eyes memorized the lilting curve of his hips, his hand strayed to his cock and he stroked it twice before stopping himself. Please – he thinks desperately, if there is a God, if there is Sina, Maria and Rose, may they take this depravity away from him. But Levi continued to fuck the busty woman, her back arching and sweat beading on Levi’s chest, his nipples hard – Erwin wanted to get up and leave. And finally, Levi comes and Erwin turns sharply away, this would be too much for him, with his cock already hard as it was, it would have been embarrassing as well as painful to his heart, to have come to the image of a man reaching orgasm.

“Now you, big boy, I can see you’re all ready and waiting.” Lady Mercer winked as she took absolutely no time in rubbing her clit slowly, still in the same position. Erwin got up, his cock leaking precome as he kneeled on the futon behind her. Ordinarily he was never turned on by busty women, but this time his cock was almost ready to explode at the slightest touch, and his hand automatically moved to caress her clit, and by accident he touched some of Levi’s come in between her legs. He breathed in harshly as he slid into her, she was wet and willing, bracing herself on her hands and inside her was moist and hot and tight – Erwin gives a dry swallow and tries to hold out. He begins moving his hips and rubbing his hand in circles on her clit and she comes, shivering slightly as her entrance squeezed Erwin in a hot tunnel.

“Go on, fuck me till you’re done.” Lady Mercer whispered, sweat spotting on her back. Erwin continued, and kept his eyes down as he slowly dragged himself halfway out and thrust in, he was close – he felt heat in his cock, and he looks up. Levi’s eyes met his, pitch black and promiscuous, there was a smirk on his lips as he watched Erwin fuck Mercer, and the blonde could not tear his eyes away, he stared at Levi, kept a constant level of eye contact until he came with a bodyshaking shudder, his shoulder suddenly weak, come dripping from both of Lady Mercer’s orifices. Levi got up, his lithe body still betraying a thin glaze of sweat, and bent down to put on his clothes as Erwin sat on the futon, his face in his hands, swallowing dryly. He heard Levi walk out of the room and dragged his face up to look at Lady Mercer, who was handing him his clothes. He stood up and put them on, buttoning up tightly with his shaking hands, and Mercer was signing some documents.

“That was pretty great.” She whispers in Erwin’s ear, pushing some money into his pants. “I’ve already wired the shipments to my husband, they’ll reach your Commander by tomorrow. Buy yourself and that short hunk a treat with this till then.”

Erwin waited till she shut the door until facing Levi, and prayed that the black haired man wouldn’t have anything to say about the awkward moment of orgasm. Levi, to his credit, didn’t mention it, and only snorted as Erwin reached into his pants and produced a sheaf of notes. Levi started laughing as they went down the long corridor into the gardens, and turned to look at Erwin, the harsh lights of the torches illuminating his face.

“You looked like a common fucking hooker, taking that money from your pants.” he snorted, kicking a pebble on the driveway. “Would you do this after you’re Commander?”

“If the need arises.” Erwin says stoically, before waving the notes in front of Levi’s nose. “Now, are you hungry?”

“Starving. Mercer’s hot and all, but yeah, it took a while.” Levi agreed as they walked into the bustling street. "What the fuck were you staring at me for, though? Did you want to make it awkward?"

"No -" Erwin's hand shot to his hair, unconsciously smoothing it backward. "I was just wondering at - how you've kissed the client. I-I've never done that." 

"You've never been kissed?" Levi asked, his eyebrows furrowed. Erwin expected him to laugh, hoot in mirth till he dropped on the street, but he only looked somewhat sad. 

"No."

“I see." Levi swallowed. "What have you got in mind? Another carriage ride?”

“What say you, we eat out tonight?”

-

 

“RETREAT!” Shadis’s eyes bulged almost out of their sockets as he swiveled his horses on an about turn, Hanji and Mike following in his lead. “Retreat – casualty count has reached fifty percent, _retreat,_ IMMEDIATELY!”

Erwin spun around on his horse as well and saw Levi and his squad do the same, pounding back toward the gates as foamy sweat flecked the horses and blood dripped a long trail on the ground. He urged his horse to go faster, dragging on the reins as heavy footfalls ceased behind them, and only the clopping of horses were heard, far less than there had been when they left in the morning. He pulled on his reins to ride hard left, toward Shadis whose eyes were black and almost unseeing, Hange looking down with her glasses clouded and Mike frowning. Casualty count was fifty five percent, a whopping eighty six soldiers dead. Erwin knew that this was necessary, yet the loss would hit Shadis hard, and the Corps as a whole – money wouldn’t come pouring in. The horn sounded and they entered Wall Maria slowly, Shadis’s head bowed to the taunts and screams of the poor, roughshod villagers. Erwin wonders, and grips the reins harder as a small child looks at him eagerly, laughing, whether he would have to endure this when he was Commander – whether this child who waved at him would grow to spit on him. He frowns as the thought burns, and turns away.

“NO!” Shadis’s scream made Erwin look up in surprise, and he closes his eyes in irritation – the citizens seemed intent on breaking them. “WE HAVE ACHIEVED NOTHING!”

“The geezer’s being melodramatic.” Levi drawled from beside him. Erwin looked him up and down, but there were only grazes on his arms and uncovered skin and a scrape on his cheek. Levi was a natural. “But he’s right, isn’t he?”

“No.” Erwin disagrees, as Mike helps up the sobbing Shadis back onto his horse. “No, Levi – we’ve gained two kilometers today. Shadis only looks at the casualties –“

“Two kilometers?” Levi looks up, a demented smile on his face and purple shadows under his eyes. “You killed eighty six men… to get two fucking kilometers? This is what we fuck women, for, Erwin? To get two kilometers? I – I thought facing the Titans would be terrible. Nightmarish. Fuck.”

“And it is.” Erwin bowed his head, Levi’s displeasure coursing through him. “It’s terrible.”

“The Titans don’t fucking scare me at all, Smith.” Levi snapped as his horse reared slightly. “What scares me is that your shitty soldiers can’t signal to each other – that this shitty system takes more lives than it spares. Half my squad died, Erwin. For fucking what? Your two fucking kilometers?”

He rides ahead, his back small and powerful against the watery sun.

It is midnight and his candle is slowly turning into wax – Erwin drags a fingernail through the heated innards and comes out with a sliver of tallow wax under his fingernail. He looks down at the paper he was writing on – and crossed out another square, filling it in with the words “black smoke signal.” The system was flawed, Levi had said – Erwin always knew that it had been flawed, and today he would try to change it. He would try to change everything, he thinks, smiling slightly, the scouting system, the villagers opinions, the truth about Titans – perhaps one day he would overthrow the government. He smiled as he drew another line in a diagonal position – stretching far back, and wrote over it with red ink. If only theory could be applied to the blood soaked, screaming air.

“Why the fuck is your candle burning?” Levi asks loudly, his eyebrows raised as he entered. He did not look well, despite his usual brash tone as he came to peer over Erwin’s shoulder, the purple smears under his eyes were still there, and his lips were clenched tight, paling at the tips.

“Levi, you should get some rest.” Erwin murmurs, trying not to look at Levi’s thighs as he sat on the desk, pushing away Erwin’s plans. He is disgusted with his vile, immoral self – thinking about such ill things when eighty six men are dead. “Go to your quarters.”

“There’s fucking nobody in my room” Levi admits, closing his eyes. “And it’s not just that – fucking Shadis is wailing in the other room, hell, if you heard that you wouldn’t sleep either.”

“Ah. I see.” Erwin swallows, and yawns. He watches lazily as Levi gets up off the rough desk, complaining half-heartedly about splinters in his ass, and drags up a chair to sit beside Erwin. “I’m a little bus-“

“What the fuck are you drawing?” Levi asks him, but doesn’t spare a glance to the drawing. His voice is high and quick, and Erwin places a hand on his shoulder, feeling the rough threads of his shirt.

“Levi –“ He breathes in, and tries not to get too close to Levi’s face, lest the thoughts overwhelm him again. “Levi, they are dead. Eighty six men are dead, and it is the fault of the Titans. Neither you, nor me, nor Shadis. The Titans, Levi. You killed eight today. It’s their fault. For existing.”

“All right.” Levi’s lip twitches uncomfortably, and his eyes fill. He looks down and swallows sharply, rubbing a palm across his eyes. “All right. Cut your fucking drivel.”

“I’m sorry.” Erwin doesn’t know what to say, but doesn’t remove the hand from Levi’s shoulder. “I know you’ve… experienced grief today, but – but it is for humanity, Levi. You must understand.”

“Yeah, humanity.” Levi laughs sardonically, and wipes his eyes again. “Your favourite fucking word, isn’t it?”

Levi looks beautiful in this sort of candlelight, wet eyed and large-lipped – and Erwin wanted to draw close and kiss him, but that sort of behavior was degenerate, forbidden. Ugly. He again pushes thoughts out of his head, and instead smiles as Levi begins cleaning up his pens and ink, tutting irritably at the mess the ink-stick had made on the table. He bows his head to focus on the grainy paper and the Long Range Scouting Formation, the future of the Corps scrawled in red and black ink and lined lazily.

-

“Levi.” It is two weeks later and Shadis called the young soldier into his office. Erwin looks up from the reports he had been writing out a sketchy draft for, and wonders how Levi could look so poised but talk like a sewer snake. He studies the sums of money that nobles had promised, and draws red lines under the amounts that had yet to be paid, as Levi walks toward Shadis’s desk and sits down insolently, his legs crossed and his eyebrows raised. There was a cockroach on the desk, Erwin noted with a smile – he wondered what sort of amusing scene would occur if Levi spotted it and traced it to the sweet treats Shadis was eating. Probably a lifelong sugar ban for the Commander, his thinks with a chuckle.

“…is that all right, then? Mr. Vilkas at nine thirty tonight, when his wife is out at the theatre.” Shadis mutters distractedly as he studies the plans for the next expedition, if there was going to be one. Erwin frowns slightly, he must have misheard.

“ _Mister_ Vilkas, sir?” He asks, putting his pen down as Levi shrugged.

“Fuck, I hope he isn’t one of those drooling fat nobles.” Levi rolled his eyes at Erwin’s face. “I don’t need to get eaten a second time after those fucking Titans.”

“No!” Erwin felt himself rise up, his chair toppling backward with a dull _thunk_ , and his hands moved from beyond his control, slamming onto his own desk – the ink bottle smashed.  He doesn’t know what’s gotten into him, neither does, it seems Shadis, who gaped open mouthed.

“Smith, control yourself or remove your ass.” The Commander snapped, pointing toward the door.

“I _cannot_ let Levi go to a man. No. No, Shadis, this is inhumane!” Erwin’s voice rose beyond levels he normally used. “This is a despicable, ugly pra—“

“Calm your fucking homophobic ass down, Smith!” Levi snapped, his own eyes fiery. He stood up to, albeit less impressively, and pointed a finger at Erwin. “What’s it to you who others fuck? What the _fuck_ is it to you, huh? You just get your cunts, and just get your fucking nose out of my business.”

“Both of you get out of the office _now_ ,” Shadis snapped, his eyes taking on the characteristic dangerous bulge. “Before I decide that both of you should clean the shit stained toilets. NOW.”

“Levi,” Erwin did not stop as they exit Shadis’ office, spinning around once Levi shut the door, his voice rasping in his throat. “You _will not_ go to that man. Not a man, Levi. I will make sure of it.”

“What the hell is your problem, straightass?” Levi snarled, rounding on Erwin. “What the fuck do you have against me? I clean your shitty boots, I try to be your damn friend and what the hell do you want?”

“Leave me.” Erwin feels the anger cooling, being replaced by something heavier, unspeakably uglier. He strides into his quarters, but doesn’t bother closing the door – he know Levi would just kick or break it down, and sat on the sparse bed, his bones and heart aching. He looked straight ahead at the blank, dirty wall – as Levi let out a flying kick against some shelf that lay next to the door.

“Levi, leave me be.” Erwin murmured, rubbing his temples. “Go and fuck all the men in Sina. Do it, go.”

“I know.” He hears the snaking sound of fabric against wood and sees that Levi had slid down into a sitting position into the doorway, his profile silhouetted perfectly against the dying sun. The immoral part within Erwin wants to go to Levi and hug him, but those are not things a man should think of. He wants to love and be loved – but there is bile rising in his throat even at the _thought_ of loving something that was never meant to be held by him. He hears Levi laugh low into the light – and he knows that this isn’t a jabbing, poking laugh like earlier.

“You’re a homo, aren’t you – Smith?” Levi’s head turned to face him. “You’re as gay as they come. An all out fucking homosexual, you can’t even get it up with the women. God knows how they call you Sina’s Finest when you never even _liked_ the cunts. At least I was fucking straight up about liking both, wasn’t I, old fucking man?”

“ _Shut up_ ”, Erwin’s voice rose amongst Levi’s. “Get out, and don’t repeat your filthy words.”

“Why Erwin,” Levi ignored him, his voice softer. The light trickled into the room like old ditch water. “Why do you go out and service over fifty women – if you can’t stand it? Isn’t this a fucking sacrifice?”

“It’s for humanity.” Erwin’s voice shook, and his heart squeezed within his chest, his breathing became more labored. Oh Sina, what had he just agreed to? Homosexual – he thinks, swallowing down the burn in his throat, homosexual – like the gigolos on the street. Even Levi wasn’t as depraved as him, even Levi liked women.

“Humanity.” Levi scoffed, and stood up in the doorway, his slight frame leaning against the wood as he made to close the door. His voice rose, accusing the world but Erwin felt the sharpness of every word like it was a knife twisting into him. “Fuck your humanity.”

He closed the door behind him, and Erwin buried his face in his hands, trying not to shake with the weight of admitting something so great as this. 

“Fuck humanity!” Levi’s voice echoed faintly down the corridor. “You’re all throwing your lives away for a fucking society that makes you hold yourself back. Fuck your fucking humanity!”

-

“Bloody hell, you’re good at takin’ cock.” Lord Vilkas groaned, buried balls deep within Levi as the smaller man clenched and released his muscles, causing Vilkas as much pleasure as he had paid for, and not a whim more. He wonders if he should jack himself off and decided against it, he was only half hard anyway – as Vilkas ground his fingernails into his shoulders and pumped erratically, close to finishing. It’s in this almost twilight moment that Levi wonders what Erwin would think of him now – he grinned viciously as Vilkas finished with a long, moaning groan.

“What you smirkin’ about, boy?” the black haired Lord lay down with a thump, and Levi felt the unpleasant squelch of cum leaking from his ass, and vowed to clean himself properly later.

“Nothing.” Levi said huskily, and closed his eyes, feeling the smooth, slippery silk of the bedsheets. He didn’t actually care if Erwin was a homo – he should have seen it anyway, the way the man couldn’t take his eyes off the way he fucked Lady Mercer in the ass. But something else entirely worried Levi, as he lay nude and beautiful next to a rich lord – that Erwin may have fallen in love with him. He recalls the glances Erwin would throw at him, and the look in his eyes when he bought him the iced treat and how gently he dried Levi’s eyes that night – and most of all, his windy, stormy anger bursting out when Shadis had asked Levi to sleep with a man. Levi’s face screwed up and he buried it in the pillow – Erwin was a god of a man to look at, and – Levi had stopped caring about other people’s feelings long ago – and somebody so perfect was afflicted by thinking of himself as a sinner. Levi lay back and felt his sweat drip onto the pillows, he is thankful that Erwin had admitted his homosexuality, but he is frightened that the Captain may have fallen for _him._

“I don’t mind admiring him from afar, I don’t give a fuck if I start loving the earnest fucking bastard.” Levi speaks into the pillow, his voice muffled. “But it’s probably killing him, to realize that he may love someone like me. It’s fucking killing him.”

“Eh?” Lord Vilkas frowns, raising a thick eyebrow.

-

“Erwin.” The knocks came sharp at the door – raps jerking him out of a stupor, still in the same position he had been in when Levi had left. He looks up with a deep breath, and coughs twice, clearing his throat.

“Mike, this is not a good time – “ He called out, his voice hoarse with disuse.

“Erwin, this is urgent, Shadis has fucking lost his shit.” Mike’s voice was strained, and Erwin heard someone else behind him, probably Hanji. He ran a hand across his face and threw the door open to see Mike and Hanji in full uniform, worried expressions glazed over their faces.

“What, did he collapse in guilt?” Erwin demands of them, but their faces show no response, only wide, blazing eyes. Hanji had tears on her cheeks. Mike's expression was shock-still, stubble carving lines into his face. Hange's glasses were opaque. 

“Erwin –“ Mike croaks out. “Wall Maria has fallen.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woop there it is, fluff and angst and overdramatic mike. other characters would be featuring more heavily in the next chapter onwards so comment your fave here so i can try to include them
> 
> also i increased chapter cound from 3 to 4 because this slow burn is slower than i expected, the nerds havent even kissed yet
> 
> please do leave reviews, it makes my day to read them xx


	3. homosexual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> erwin is burdened by the weight of his new post and levi seeks out ways to comfort him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys, really grateful for your feedback on this chapter and the story! in denial!erwin also continues on in this chapter, while canon events unfold as well
> 
> sexual warnings: homophobic language, blowjobs, anal sex

The Survey Corps Headquarters had never looked so busy – Erwin muses as he sits in on Shadis’ commands, his eyes fighting to close. He has stayed awake for three days straight, supervising the citizens slow, slow trek out into Wall Rose whilst half of the Corps, made up of regular soldiers like Levi, went to hold back the Titans and suffered numerous casualties, soldiers bleeding alongside regular citizens. It was during this time of chaos that Erwin, for the first time, has seen the Survey, Military, and Garrison corps working together without complaint, sweat standing out on foreheads and eyes darkened underneath with lack of sleep. Shadis was looking positively ill, he notes, almost keeling over and collapsing, sharp lines cut into his face around his eyes. His hair turned grey almost overnight, and had started to fall out close to the crown. A semblance of pity crept into him and locked itself there as Shadis’ tired voice began talking to a set of his soldiers – Erwin, Hange, Levi, and Mike.

“They’ve finally got the population of Maria into Rose shelters.” Shadis’s eye was twitching and his fingers vibrating on the desk. Mike’s eyes were fixed on them. “The problem is, there’s far too little food and too many bloody people crowded into one Wall.”

“The population could be dispersed,” Erwin frowns, running a fingernail across the grain of the desk. “If Wall Sina could open it’s gates and let – say, two hundred thousand people within.”

“It’s not like they can’t afford it.” Levi’s drawl was more irritable, due to tiredness, and Erwin steadfastly ignored his gaze or his voice. “The fucking Underground is vast, they can take more. And the streets are full of rich nobles with houses the size of ten Maria houses. They can accept _more_ that two hundred thousand, Commander, and have enough left over.”

“Do you imbeciles this I haven’t tried asking?” Shadis hisses, his eyes bulging, squid-like. “I’ve consulted the bosses, and hell, I’ve even tried setting up an appointment with the monarchy.”

“Those in Sina,” Mike closed his eyes and his rare voice rumbled. “Only care about those within their own Wall. They send the Police in to help us evacuate citizens, and immediately close their own gates. We cannot count on Sina, and those once citizens of Maria can only endure. For now.”

“That’s a fucking long-ass speech from you, beak face.” Levi said, but the words for once weren’t harsh as he leaned on the wall near the back of the room. Erwin bit the inside of his cheek, tasting dryness to stifle his smile. For three days he had put all thought of Levi out of his mind, as he rushed around the town helping citizens out of their houses and ignoring bodies on the street. Erwin was one for sacrifice, he believed that everyone who signed as a soldier should be more than prepared to die, yet the bodies of old women and children crushed and bloodied on the street. They hadn’t signed up to be soldiers, they had never saluted in their lives. So instead of letting himself look, Erwin had torn his eyes away from every corpse, and mercilessly dragged crying children away.

“Dismissed.” Shadis barked, and massaged his high, lined forehead with his fingertips, watching through them as his soldiers got up and excused themselves. He felt bile in his throat and swallowed harshly – there are things he cannot do. He lets his fingers fall, and looked up at Erwin. “Smith – stay back a while. I need to discuss.”

“Yes, Commander.” Erwin obediently stood, and Shadis surveyed him as the Levi shut the door with a bang.

“Erwin –“ Shadis let his voice finally drop from the layers it had gathered around itself. “I don’t know how much longer.”

“I understand, sir.” Erwin’s forehead creased, and his hand reached out to grab Shadis’ shoulder – but he checked himself and stopped. “These are hard orders to give.”

“Erwin, when I give you command –“ Shadis swallowed. “Will you take it?”

“Yes, sir. Without a doubt.” Erwin quelled the little triumph welling within him like blood from a mosquito bite – his own plans, his own theories, his father’s. “For the glory of humanity, Commander, the moment you step down as Commander, I will fulfill the role.”

“Yes.” Shadis surveyed his long, wrinkled fingers, worrying a nail with his thumb. He can see the Corps under Erwin – less sacrifice, but no mourning when the soldiers have passed. A tighter ship, he thinks, but with lesser shouting and screaming. He’d make the Corps aware of the bloody ways they would die, and then he would welcome them. And the man’s brain – Shadis breathes in sharply – Erwin was the one who suggested prostitution in order to earn funds. Erwin had marched all the way up to the monarchy to gamble upon new shipments of expeditions supplies. Yes. “The Corps would succeed under you.”

“I accept the compliment, Shadis.” Erwin said, and saluted, his fist making a hollow sound as he slammed it against his heart.

“Dismiss.” Shadis muttered, and his heart feels slightly lighter, although still a stone in his chest.

-

Erwin sits on his bed, it is two days later – he’s only slept for six or seven hours in that time, and his entire body is sharp and taut like the 3DMG gear hooked on a tree. He frowns and lets his mind wander to how he was promised the role of Commander – he imagines the Corps under him, using the Long Range Scouting Formation – and he could even solve the problem of overcrowding, telling Wall Sina to open the gates. He could talk to the monarchy, hell he could even prostitute himself to the Queen. He could perform wonders, he decides, and lets a smile rise to his lips.

“The fuck are you smirking about?” Levi snapped, coming into his room and shutting the door behind him. His boots echoed off the dull floor as he sat next to Erwin on the bed, the latter’s eyes fixed firmly forward. “You look like a fucking stressed out fox, your eyes and everything. Get some rest or some shit, Erwin, you’re going to burn out.”

“I find that my physical capabilities,” Erwin said smoothly, politely – _do not_ let feelings cloud your judgment, especially when the other is a man. “Are best measured by myself.”

“Will you get that shitty stick out of your ass?” Levi flared, his eyes flashing dark. “What the fuck do you want me to do about your problems? Should I ask Shadis to send you to one of those fucking Wallist cult camps, to “pray away the homosexuality?” The fuck you pissing at me for?”

“Levi!” Erwin’s eyebrows rose and his own eyes burned holes in his face. He wrenched himself from the bed and stormed toward the door, yanking it open. “I will not have you as a distraction to me. Not at this time, when I can advance so much higher – do so much good. You’re coming to me with problems I don’t even want to _think_ of – just leave me.”

Levi sits with the heated words in his head, hot under his eyelids. He smirks, he knows what Erwin is going through, and the insults he threw were childish, typical of someone who’s brought up in Sina and fucked only women with a bank account large enough to buy Wall Rose. Levi, in his entire, colourful life, had been called everything from asshole to zealot, and Erwin’s snarled “distraction” was incredibly low on the list. But still – he thinks of the way Erwin’s fists clenched and trembled and an astonishing parallel drew in his mind, of Shadis’ shaking hands. The Captain had dreams to save the world, Levi thinks, resting his wiry head against the rough headboard – and if Levi was concerned, he wasn’t about to lose that for a mental breakdown over his sexuality. Not if _he_ could help it. He rises from the bed and looks into Erwin’s mirror, of course the Captain hated to be aroused by someone like him, short, dark-haired, poor – male. He bit his lips until the pain turned them a flushed reddish hue, and pinched his cheeks until spots of colour appeared high on his cheeks. He lets his hair fall over his eyes, looking out through his eyelids. This world, he thinks as he neatens his fringe, is a disgusting and vile place. Smith did not deserve this.

Erwin shut the toilet door behind him – if Mike or Hange wanted to shit, they’d better just use the bushes, he decides vehemently, gripping the sink until his knuckles turned white on the dirty porcelain. This is not the time, he thinks, closing his eyes. He was about to be promoted to Commander soon, he was about to change the world as they knew it, and Levi – Levi has to bring up things that he had forced down and swallowed. Erwin felt as if truth burned violently within him, wanting to get out and wrap around him – he is bitter and ugly and anxious.

“Calm down.” he tells his strained, pale reflection. He wants to break the mirror, but that is a waste of effort. That would be letting the sinful feelings get the better of him. He would wean himself of it – he decides, like he was a Wallist cult camp trying to cure young boys of sin. He draws the image into his mind, of a woman taking off her clothes, he has seen that hundreds of times, beautiful women with long hair up to their waists – slim women, large women with breasts that obscure the view of their thighs, dark-skinned women, pale women. He thinks of them touching themselves at their wetness, running a single finger up and down – their mouths opening in pleasure and heir eyes fluttering shut. But there is no arousal, no warmth rushes down to him, nothing at all. As always, the image dissolves to become a man, vulgar and exposed on the bed, their legs high up and their cock curving and being stroked softly – head arched. He thinks of hands parting the smooth cheeks and a tongue doing the same thing he tried to imagine the women doing – the man on the bed making wanton gasps – stroking his dick faster. Erwin’s breath ghosted on the mirror and he can feel himself aroused, his cock creating a tent in his pants, begging to be touched. His face crumples but before he can react, there’s a knock. The door flies open and Levi stands there, his hair mussed and his cheeks flushed. Erwin wants to touch the red – but he only grips the sink harder.

“Levi – please,” Erwin murmurs., but he is unaware as to what he is pleading for as Levi walks toward him and drops to his knees before him, as if in supplication. He still does not know, as the younger soldier’s breath ghosts over Erwin’s cock, his light fingers tracing the rigid outline and his hands played over Erwin’s waistline before slowly bringing his pants down – his cock standing almost vertical, hopelessly aroused even at the soft touches of the man.

“Yes?” He asks, waiting. He was a disgusting prostitute in the Underground, and a not-so-disgusting one now, but the need for consent weighed heavily within him.

“N –“ Erwin closed his eyes. “It’s a sin – Levi –“

His breathing quickens.

“This is not –“ Levi licks a soft, slight path from the Captain’s shaft to his dripping head. “This is not a sin.”

“Yes. Yes –“ Erwin breathes.

He keeps his hands behind his back as Erwin watches, his eyes held open as if by shock, but he did not say anything – if Erwin said something he would lose this chance and he would possibly shatter and grind like glass. So he watches Levi’s full lips work softly, almost kissing him there and his teeth giving only hints of their presence, scraping incredibly lightly, as if touched by a ghost. Erwin had pleasured more women than he could count, possibly, but he has never felt orgasm building so fast, his breaths have not felt so harsh and winded, he grips the sink even harder and felt his fingers hurt from the force. Levi probably felt it too – as he opened his mouth and took most of Erwin’s length within him, his practiced throat closing around the blonde’s cock as he let his heated muscles clench around the man and Erwin’s face reddened, closed up as he came with an obscene, loud moan – cum trickling unpleasantly down Levi’s throat, he had been planning to spit it out but he shrugged. He removed Erwin’s cock from his mouth, and wiped it down before he helped him put it back in, and washed out his mouth. Then, and only then did he turn to his superior.

“If you’re going to kill me, try not to fucking mess up. If you’re going to cry or yell or some shit, get the fuck out before you do all that because I’ve got to take a shit.” Levi drawled, his voice layering over his anxiety. You deserve that and more, he thinks.

“How –“ Erwin wipes sweat that was standing on his upper lip, and scrubs his hands over his face. “How do you find this so easy, this unnatural behavior, so degenerate ? How does it come to you like breathing?”

“Do you think something’s wrong with _me_?” Levi scoffs, and pushed a finger into Erwin’s chest. “You, who prefers to suffer and love something you don’t, who never masturbates because you’re afraid you’ll think of men, you who lies to the fifty or so girls you’ve slept it, who lies to your fucking self, you think I’m the one who’s unnatural?”

Erwin shakes his head and clears his throat.

“This –“ he runs a hand through his hair, checks his reflection in the mirror. Still pale and strained. “This must not get out, to anyone. Do you understand, Levi?”

“Do you think I give a shit about other people?” Levi looked intently at Erwin. “As long as _you_ accept it, do you think I give a flying fuck about Mike, or Hange or Aururo?”

-

“Here.” Shadis’ hair is near completely gone as he hands the bolo tie to Erwin in front of the whole Corps, the circles under his eyes almost purple-black. He felt the eyes of almost thirty people boring into his back, for that was all that was left of the Corps – after mission after mission to salvage bases in Wall Maria. Erwin felt hands fastening the tie around his neck and it felt light, almost frothy as it belonged around his neck. He fastened a grim expression onto his face as Shadis stepped back, the man’s face lighter and his gait less dragged, and he faced the thirty or so men and women, Levi among them with a smirk on his face and his arms crossed loosely behind his back. Erwin wrenched his eyes away and looked at the soldiers as a whole and saluted once.

“I am grateful to accept this position as Commander and will put it to use immediately in satisfying not only my goals, but also the goals for humanity as a whole.” He began, his voice ringing across the compound. Even the horses were silent. “The Titans have taken over thousands of square feet that were previously human land – and our primary goal is to recover this section of land for humanity. Titan research will also figure deeply into the new motives of the Corps – with Hange Zoe leading Titan research as well as holding command of her squad. Mike Zacharias and the other Squad Leaders will brief their squads of the new Scouting Formation, and a Special Operations Committee is to be formed, headed by Levi. I am aware all of you signed up for death when you saluted for the first time and I appreciate that you will respect this decision when the fate of humanity is at stake. I am grateful for you all accepting my position. Salute and dismiss!”

Over the thumps of uneven salutes, Erwin stepped down the podium as the soldiers dismissed, and he saw Levis striding up toward him, eyebrows raised but a fleeting expression of happiness on his face.

“Oi Erwin, just because I suck your dick doesn’t mean you have to promote me.” he snorted. “You’re just as bad as those old nobles, aren’t you?”

“Respect your Commander, Levi.” Erwin chided jokingly, a smile twisting up the side of his face. He fingered the tie lightly – he had so wanted it. “Are you happy, though? Your own squad – you can choose the best of the best.”

“Fuck, Erwin,” Levi looked down at his boots, embarrassed. “I’m fucking happy when I have clean clothes and a room that doesn’t smell like shit – and you’re giving me this too?”

“You’re welcome.” Erwin snorted dryly, and put an arm (it still did not come easy, but he wanted to) on Levi’s shoulder. “Go and pick out the team.”

“When I saw you with the midget,” Shadis snapped as they entered into his previous office, Erwin biting back a smile as he sat at the desk. “I remembered – you can’t fuck around the nobles once you’re Commander. It’s simply not protocol. You should send Levi though.”

“I see.” Erwin frowned, and picked up the pen, dipping it in ink. “Shadis, do you think the Corps can continue without prostitution? Without sending Levi, or anyone out?”

“You’re in the office for two fucking minutes and you already are changing the world, aren’t you boy?” Shadis scoffed, his fingers tracing a sheaf of notes, running along the rough paper edges before holding it out to Erwin. “Here, your first document to approve, and may you do it well.”

“What is this?” Erwin frowned as he rifled through the blotchily written notes, signed with the seal of the royal family, it was a list of names and names, stretching over a hundred pages, names cramped into the corners and fit into wavering lines, with ages and occupations beside them. “Jove Artlert, sixty five, Maria refugee. Marie Jon, seventy six, Wall Maria refugee.  Shadis, I understand you said not to ask you for advice but what is this list?”

“Read the final page.” Shadis said apprehensively, and closed his eyes – he felt dangerously near tears and this was not a position in which he felt he should break down. “Erwin as a Commander I handed you this post, with the only aim that you will lead better than I have. But as a friend, I told you I can’t take this shit, that’s why I passed you the tie. I – I apologize for it.”

“What are you talking about?” Erwin smiled, and turned to the final page of the sheaf, which was considerably neater and written in a looped, royal scrawl. “I hereby order the Survey Corps to evacuate two hundred thousand citizens outside to claim territory for Wall Maria… This is both as a measure to increase the scouting population which has dwindled as well as to counter the rising population within Wall Rose…Equipment and armor will be provided by the citizens themselves…Ensure the protection of the soldiers, and make sure no rebellion occurs as the citizens are led outside… the command is to close the gates of Wall Rose once the citizens are outside…Do not lead the Corps in following the citizens…”

His voice trailed off and his eyes widened.

“What is this?” he asks Shadis. “Instead of opening up Sina, they want to send the citizens out, and for us to lead them? I have _not_ been consulted on this.”

“Nor have I.” Shadis pinched the bridge of his nose. “The decision doesn’t come from the Police, it’s from the fat King and his nobles, straight to the Corps. Erwin – you have to sign this order.”

“I see. So that’s why you passed this role to me, isn’t it?” Erwin placed the pen down and looked at his fingernails. One had a splotch of ink on it. “You knew I could sign off the deaths of two hundred thousand men and women, while you could not. What do they mean the citizens will provide their own weaponry?”

“Pickaxes and hoes.” Shadis’s voice trembled and he stood up, his chair toppling backward, the noise almost ghostlike in the room.

“I will go to Sina tomorrow.” Erwin vowed, pushing the document aside. “I can convi—“

“Commander.” Shadis used the title for the first time. “Don’t react. Sign the order.”

He leaves.

Erwin sits alone and feels that the tie was choking him, in deep contrast to how it had felt earlier. He calculates how this mission would benefit humanity in the fight against the Titans, and there is absolutely no benefit that draws itself in his minds eye. The people were all old citizens, there would be no population control in the long run as these men and women could not beget children, and Erwin knows that this order would repeat itself again and again until Wall Sina and the bureaucrats were all that was left. He fingers the cold stone of the tie, the emerald sharp as he looks again at the list of the names and occupations, and thinks of these elderly citizens out there, wind whipping their hair, eyes hollow – using a _pickaxe_ against the Titans.

“Hey Commander,” the title sounded mocking from Levi’s lips as the man swung into his room, holding a flask of tea. “I’ve brought the list of names to shortlist into my squad.”

“All right. Leave it on the desk, Levi.” Erwin said, unable to meet Levi’s eyes. “I’ll get to it after I sign this. If I do.”

“The fuck?” Levi asks, circling around Erwin familiarly and peering over his shoulder. “What’s the shitty face for, what’s that?”

“You shouldn’t ask questions.” Erwin muttered, and brushed a hand over the names, wishing he could tear up the papers. “Leave me please, Levi.”

“Like fuck I will. What the fuck is wrong with you?” Levi asked again, and he was surprised when Erwin got up, shut the door, and sat down heavily on the chair again. Levi stared as the man told him the order from the royal house, how they had to lead innocent citizens out – and Levi feels a touch of dark mirth when he realizes that Erwin was not upset over the thousands of lost lives but rather the fact that these lives had nothing to do with the higher goal, of humanity. He would never understand the man, and as he heard Erwin read out some names and ages, Levi felt his eyes burning and his throat closing up – fuck, he was too sensitive.

“Erwin –“ he says, his voice hoarse. “Don’t look at me.”

“I will not sign this order.” The Commander ignored him, and looked intently at the list. “This is not beneficial to the Corps. This is not beneficial to anyone. I will take a carriage to Sina tomorrow, you are welcome to accompany me, and convince the nobles that there is no worth in this.”

“Erwin.” Levi closed his eyes and felt wet streak his cheeks, he is disgusted. He prays Erwin would not look up. “The nobles, some asshole who looks like a candlestick, he once rode a small child down with a carriage, just crushed her under it because they were late to a games party. Do you think they would care any more about old men in Rose and Maria? You have to do it. Show your fucking….worth as Commander. Sign the order, Erwin.”

“Levi, do you think we could get the land back in a suicide expedition – send the best soldiers, and all casualties forgone, sacrifice half the remaining Corps? Thus we could reclaim the land and the civilian lives need not be sacrificed.” Erwin spoke sharply and quick, his hands steady as they clutched the pen tightly. “Soldiers dying is something they have committed to, and the benefit-“

“Sign that fucking order, Commander.” Levi’s voice shook. “Sign it.”

“Levi –“ Erwin looks up, and red flashes before Levi’s eyes, Erwin should not look up and see his face, he would never sign it then. He pressed the back of Erwin’s head down with his hand, violent like that time he was first dragged into his office.

“Sign the order, Erwin.” Levi snarled. “You’d sign anything if it meant that I died, or Mike died, so why the fuck are you hesitating? Sign it.”

And finally, Erwin’s signature is scrawled on the paper as he signs his first order as Commander, the murder of 200, 000 citizens in cold blood, sending them out with pickaxes to get eaten and regurgitated, coated in spit and gore. He grits his teeth and stares straight ahead, if this was humanity then so be it. If he had to take orders such as this, he would not do so any longer. His signature dries black on the parchment, and he looks up at Levi, red-eyed and feminine, his hair covering his eyes and his cheeks streaked. Levi bends down to be closer to Erwin’s face, his hand on the strong jawline, and he presses forward. It was Erwin’s first kiss in the whole world, the feeling of Levi’s full lips pressing against his own almost killed him, feeling Levi’s sadness twist within his. It’s a longing, pulling kiss (Wrong, Erwin thinks quietly, this is wrong) and the Commander’s hands stray up into Levi’s hair, and pulled him closer. Levi pulls away and rests his face in the crook of his neck, feeling the thread of the tie cutting into his cheek and Erwin pulls him even further in.

“You had to.” Levi breathed into his ear. “If you hadn’t signed this, how would you have signed anything?”

-

He reads the list of names religiously in bed two weeks later. In the morning he had overseen the Corps leading out the long, long queue of citizens, old men with apprehensive looks on their faces wetting themselves in fear, old ladies clutching pickaxes in their hands for the first time, some teenagers who refused to join the military, women without occupations with determined looks on their faces. His own countenance stone-like, Erwin sat straight-backed on his horse as the citizens spat at his as they passed, his signature was the one on orders around the town and the callings given to families. He watched as the final man went outside into the cold, and without a single waver in his voice, yelled up to the Garrison to close the gate, and his face still blank as he turned his horse around, and led the Corps in a steady line back into the headquarters. He ignored the salutes in the honor of the citizens who went out and in derision of him and the Corps – for a fleeting second, he hates Shadis. He buries this thought in dreams for humanity. So that night, he read the hundred-page list of names, saying each one out loud, discarded pages littering the floor.

“I don’t want to sound like an asshole,” Levi says from the end of the bed. “But you’re killing yourself with this crap.”

“Mm.” Erwin hums, reading further down the list. Levi scrambles up, his hands on Erwin’s thighs and kneels between his thighs, pulling Erwin’s pants and underwear down, curling a hand around his cock, stroking it gently with his thumb.

“Have you ever touched a man like this?” Levi whispered, his voice catching huskily as Erwin looked up from the list of names, surprised. He lowered the foreskin and placed his lips on Erwin’s cock, feeling the member harden slowly between his lips. He wondered if he should just suck Erwin off as usual, but remembered that the Commander needed a distraction from the list of dead people he was looking at, so Levi paused momentarily and looked up.

“Watch me.” He tells Erwin, and takes the sheaf of paper away from him, placing it onto the desk next to the glass of water. He undoes his straps and slowly unbuttons his shirts, his practice with the clients coming into good use as he lowered his pants, his cock boyish between his thighs, already half-hard as he kicked off his boots and pants. He moved closer to Erwin, and watched how the Commander breathed in harshly to be in such close proximity to a naked man and took of his shirt smoothly. Levi knelt and unbuckled Erwin’s boots, taking them off his feet one by one, and knelt in between the thighs of the nude man on the bed. His nipples were hard, the wind cut into the room through the slats, and Erwin’s face was reverent and beautiful, lines and angles – his legs spread apart wider and his neck exposed. The tie was still there. Levi slid it around his head and off, it would serve as a distraction, and he pushed his lips against Erwin’s, this kiss was not sad and longing, it was wet and dripping, disgusting and sexual. Erwin’s breathing grows labored and his cock rises further as Levi turns to the dresser, looking for oil, and he found a small bottle, glinting yellow in the light.

“Thank Sina you jack off now,” Levi snorted, and opened the bottle, tipping viscous oil onto his hands. “Hold out your hands, I’ll teach you how you treat a man.”

Erwin held out his hand, dazed, as Levi tipped half of the oil into his hand and lay back on the bed, his thighs planted wide apart. Levi began stroking his hole with the oil, rubbing it liberally between the cheeks, and used his other hand to bring Erwin forward until the bigger man kneeled awkwardly between Levi’s legs. Erwin’s breathing stuttered as he spread Levi’s cheeks, oh Sina, he was so moist and hot there, and ran a finger down the hole, feeling it contract. He pushed his oil coated finger in and felt Levi clench around him, his cock rising and leaking slightly, and Erwin imagines how this tightness would feel around his shaft.

“Not now –“ Levi groans, as if reading his mind. “More.”

Erwin slid the second finger inside, his breath catching as Levi moaned long and low, his eyes fluttering. Erwin remembers faint dreams he had had of things like this, and his hand probes deeper inward, curling slightly as he dragged it out and heard Levi choke. He fucked him with two fingers, the oil making ugly, wet sounds until he used three – the resistance almost made Erwin come right then, precome making a string from his cock to the linen of the bed. Levi tossed his head back, sweat in the groove between his throat and collarbone, and nods frantically once, and Erwin takes out his fingers, positions his cock at Levi’s hot entrance.

“Is this –“ His teeth grits and he thinks, sin, sin, sin, and he closes his eyes. “Is this all right?”

“Fucking hell, Erwin if you say the word sin,” Levi gasped, his hair sticking to his forehead, “I’ll fucking cut off your head.”

Erwin pushes experimentally inward, and feels Levi’s hole accept him reluctantly, the muscles hot and tight and wet, unfamiliar. This felt nothing like fucking a woman, a hundred times better, and Erwin pushes more – Levi whimpered and bit his teeth, closing his eyes. He pushed slowly, thrusting lightly – and he thinks he’s going to come, fuck, and he lowers his head, sweat dripping off his chin, and he bends down to initiate a kiss with Levi for the first time, the other man’s surprised lips responding eagerly. Erwin pulled back and thrust some more, his cock was heated and something rose up – he was so close, but Levi pushed him back, grinning.

“You come so fast, what the fuck?” He asks, looking at Erwin’s cock that was curving up to meet his ridged stomach. He pushed the larger man onto the bed, making him lie down this time, his cock twitching.

“Fuck, Levi,” Erwin swore uncharacteristically, a bead of sweat running down his temple. “I’m fucking close, fuck – why are you killing me?”

“It’s weird as hell when you swear.” Levi snorted, and stroked his own cock, feeling the precome slide down, and made a decision. “All right, I’m close too anyway.”

He rises over Erwin on his hands and knees, and lowers himself onto his cock, the fullness is welcome and expected this time, and Levi drags himself forward and down as Erwin moans like a common whore, his teeth gritted and glinting, his face screwed up. So easy to make a Commander come undone, he thinks with a smile as he maneuvers himself, and Erwin’s cock twitches within him as his hips thrust upward, the fullness is going to make Levi fucking die, his groin is warm and hot and pulsing, he’s almost finished.

“Damn hell, Erwin –“ he gasps as he comes all over Erwin’s chest sticky and white against the sweaty, tanned pecs. Erwin breathes in heavily through his teeth and thrusts up weakly as he to reaches orgasm, his whole body trembling as he moans loud enough for the dormitories above to here. Levi pulled himself away from the cock, come leaking from him, wet between his thighs, steadily. He would have to get up and clean himself later, but now, he lies down next to Erwin, and runs a finger across his jawline.

“That wasn’t too sinful now, was that, fucker?” Levi teased, wiping off the come on Erwin’s chest with a hankerchief. “Gay sex isn’t all hellfire, no matter who told you what.”

Erwin says nothing and only stares upward at the cracked ceiling where a mosquito balanced precariously on a board. Levi has a good idea of the direction of his thoughts, and settles into the crook of his shoulder, and closes his eyes, letting sleep overcome him. He was tired after the sex and after the morning’s expedition, Erwin thought, and is somehow glad that there is someone, as loudmouthed and vulgar as he was, to satisfy him. He thinks of how rampant homosexuality was in the city, and yet even they could judge Erwin for decisions he had not even made.

“Two weeks as a Commander,” he murmurs quietly, swallowing. “I have not made a single advancement, or benefit to humanity. Only dragged us backward.”

“You’ve made…” Levi mumbles sleepily, his eyes closed as he drags blankets toward him. Levi knows - all too well he knows, and he wants to comfort but he feels inadequate, so he pretends to be asleep. They are men after all, no matter who they loved or what they fucked, and things like watching the other weep would only enhance embarassment. “You’ve made the decision to love yourself, you sad fuck. Biggest damn decision of them all in my book.”

Erwin is confused, but does not let it bother him as he stares down toward the pages and pages littered on the floor, hundreds of thousands of dead names watching as he enjoyed a fuck with Levi, who was by his side now – who stayed with him only to comfort him, who went down on him the other day months ago, only to make sure he wouldn’t crack under the strain. And here he was, lying over thousands of names, with only Levi by his side. That with how much Erwin had insulted him, made derision of his preferences, Levi did not gloat over finding that Erwin was gay. That Levi, who valued the human life over anything made him sign his first order as Commander, and kissed him afterward. He thinks that it's unfair, viciously, violently unfair that he had been so excited, so prepared to sacrifice soldiers in the name of humanity that he had not cared about civilians, about farmers or teachers or grandfathers. Tears slide hot down his cheeks, betraying him, and he throws his other arm over his eyes as he chokes down on sobs, catching them between gritted teeth and bitten lips.

He prays that Levi is asleep. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, there it is! the next chapter will be the last, i can't wait to alleviate the pain and then ADD SOME MORE for our poor sons. also yay they finally frick
> 
> as always, i am eternally grateful for any and all comments and reviews and really hope that you can leave some on this! thank you!


	4. lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> erwin and levi learn to move with the world, and learn to love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> final installment! im so glad i finished this, and i sincerely hope that you guys can read this and leave me a comment because im really excited about this story, it's my only Eruri multichapter fic! thank you so very much for reading!
> 
> warnings - begins with a sex scene, but it's quite ordinary.

He feels Erwin’s mouth on his nipple, and he leans back against the scuffed desk so—-so hard, as the man’s tongue goes down, it is trailing past his stomach, and Erwin is kneeling, and even though the room is chilly, Levi feels an unexpected, glowing sort of warmth to himself, and Erwin is opening his belt-buckle, tracing along the smooth lines of his abdomen. Guilt still came to him at times, crawling behind his mind and rocking his mind slowly and then faster like a crazed, heroin-addicted mother rocked a cradle. But he shuts the guilt down, hushes it softly and places a finger on its’ lips. Levi is here tonight. Levi was not surprised to find himself hard, but he  _was_  when Erwin put the warm, wet cave of his mouth over his cock, and ran his tongue down the length of it.

Levi shudders.

Erwin’s mouth is over his cock, and he is shuddering at the pleasure the man could evoke with his tongue, his teeth grazing the sensitive tip of the organ and he throws back his head, breathing harsh, sharp breaths. Erwin was licking his cock hungrily, longingly and his nails were leaving solitary red marks on Levi’s buttocks, and he wonders——is this what it felt like to be  _insanely happy_.  His hand snaked into Erwin’s damp hair, and stayed like a mainstay, as the man drew back, and looked up at Levi. Erwin never had too look up at people often, except for Mike and even he preferred to smell people rather than look them in the eye – so to see Erwin looking _up_ at someone as diminutive as him made Levi wish he were holding this moment in a forever. He was beautiful, Levi thinks with a shaky, teary breath, Erwin looking up at him was so beautiful. His hair was over his face, sticking to his damp forehead, and his eyes were hungry, wide and they were burning like torches in the midst of blackest night – blue fire, blue flame, the hottest of them all, his mouth sore, swollen from kissing, and wet—-delightfully wet from the effort of licking Levi.

Erwin rises up and he slides off his own pants, and strokes his cock lightly, although it was delightfully hard, and his eyes are closed, perhaps with the memory of Levi’s cock inside his mouth. Levi stares at Erwin, and the image of him thrums inside him like a foetal heartbeat, it writhes and dances behind his eyelids, the image of this beautiful man with the limpid eyes, the wet mouth, and the torso shaped softly, with u curves that were hard ridged muscle.  Levi feels aroused, aroused, and unstable, he does not feel capable of keeping this other man steady, his lover with the 3DMG bruises on his body, reddish-purple, and the swollen,  _touchable_  mouth.

Erwin bites on Levi’s neck, as if the action is saving his world, and his hands are squeezing his buttocks, they are pressing him hard and he can feel his cock swell, and he is breathing harshly. He can feel the coldness of the desk behind him, and he backs up onto it, he untangles his hands from Erwin’s hair, and pushes himself up onto the brown, scuffed desk where only minutes ago they had earnestly discussed the best ways to adapt spacing in bunkers for the new recruits. He is sitting there, looking like a  _god_ , thinks Erwin, satisfied, he looks like a  _god_ , with his curling, tumbling hair and his nervous eyes, he is Erwin’s god, and Erwin is his ( _Sina, Maria, and Rose – his mother had told him once – they are jealous Goddesses)_. Erwin feels fierce and bright, looking at Levi, his thighs open slightly, and his mouth open, wet from kissing, and the exertion. Erwin carries Levi bodily to his quarters – he is sure nobody else is in the building as it was three in the morning, his hands supported under Levi, Levi’s cock rubbing teasingly against Erwin’s stomach.

When Levi is deposited on the bed, he is lying with his head thrown back, sweat on his thighs, and his cock hard and stiff, shining softly with Erwin’s saliva. He is a vessel, waiting for Erwin to enter him, and he feels exquisite, open, he feels like a forever waiting for never. Erwin kneels on the bed, one knee on either side of Levi, and he grasps the Captain’s face in his hands, and smells hard, the deep, feverish scent of Levi, and the sweeter smell of sex.

“You are sure, Levi?” Erwin whispers, and his voice manages to soothe, and inflame at the same time. He asks this every time, even if Levi had lost his virginity a million times over to feudal ladies and underground gang leaders and perhaps this was what was so endearing about Erwin, the fact that he cared to such an extent.

“I—-I don’t—“ Levi’s eyes fill with the easy tears again, and he wishes he could say yes, that he was not so—-so depraved, that his interest and arousal would rule. “Please—-f—“

“Fuck you?” The word does not sound vulgar from Erwin’s lips, it sounded like something that needed to be done, needed to be done  _now_. “Let me fuck you, Levi.”

“Y—yes.”

Levi takes a sharp breath as Erwin’s warm, large hands find their way to his hole, sliding between his cheeks, warm, and he is spreading Levi open, Levi feels sensible and frothy and he sees Erwin as though through a faraway drawn curtain. Erwin is lowering his face again, and Levi feels the wet snaking of Erwin’s tongue, and he is licking him, he is licking him so hard that Levi feels as though he would——. Levi takes his cock in his hand and begins stroking it softly, not wanting release, not now. He feels the slight scrape of Erwin’s teeth against him, and he thinks—- _I am being eaten_.

Erwin rises again, and his lower face is wet, as he brings Levi upwards  to kiss him, long and longing, and Levi can taste himself, and he can taste Erwin, and he thinks that there is nothing left for him to discover.

Erwin is fucking him with a finger.

Levi’s head was thrown back against the pillow, and he gasps in delight (ecstasy?),  and there is something clawing at the pit of his stomach, it is want, want. He is determined to make as much of a glory out of this shadow stained world, and glory is Erwin, in name and in form, glory was the man who now had two fingers inside Levi, methodically, yet erratically pumping inside him. He removes his fingers and Levi feels denied, as if a child from whom a balloon was taken away.

“You are sure?” Erwin asks for the final time, and Levi’s legs are spread open on the bed, Erwin’s cock is poised at his entrance, and the man is supporting himself on his hands, he is sweating slightly, and Levi will never, he will never, ever say no.

Erwin enters him with a push, and Levi feels his own cock harden more (although it had seemed impossible). Erwin is poised over him in a macabre delicateness, and Levi feels as if he were in another world, and he was lingering idly on the edges of reality. Erwin begins to gyrate his hips slowly at first, grinding against Levi, and he feels Levi’s hole tighten imperceptibly around his length, and he thinks he is going to  _explode_ , because Levi was so whole, he was so full of Erwin now. Erwin thrusts himself into Levi, with a low moan and their faces are so close that sweat is dripping onto Levi’s face, and it is not Levi’s own sweat, but he licks it off with the air of a man who delighted in every task.

“Levi—-“ Erwin’s eyes are closed, and he is breathing quickly, irregularly through his nose.  They are so close that Levi feels as if he would stick to Erwin forever, and it does not harm him, that thought. Erwin is thrusting into him, deep and hard, and Levi feels as if he is a barrier, being broken open. His cock rubs on Erwin’s stomach, the simple action is enough to make him go—-almost over the top, and he is breathing harshly, harshly—-

Erwin is inhaling sharply, almost cutting his nostrils, and Levi knows he is close as the man keeps thrusting against him, grinding into him. With a final, shuddering motion, Erwin almost  _sobs_  Levi’s name —-

“Levi—-“ His voice is fragmented and broken, steeped in ecstasy, and that, just the tone in his voice is enough to send Levi over the crumbling edge of sanity, and he is submerged in fire, he is going to explode explode explode. And they are sated, and Erwin pulls out of Levi and lays beside him, Levi feels Erwin’s seed within him, and he wishes it would stay forever, a small, insignificant part of Erwin lodged forever within Levi, but it trickles out between his thighs in an ugly way. Levi’s come is smeared over Erwin’s belly, and Levi wants to lick it off, but Erwin is sleeping, his eyes closed lightly, and Levi listens to the mere  _existence_  of him, the rumble of his stomach under the layers of skin, and muscle, the soft working of the jaw, his slight, sleepy inhales and the curve of his hip-bones against his groin. Levi looks at Erwin and he wonders (quietly) whether he deserved such perfection, and the thought, that he,  _Levi Ackerman_ , was lying next to such perfection, it makes him hurt a little, like lye on skin; that he who was brought up rolling in filth and shit would lie next to somebody like this.

He falls asleep slowly.

-

“We have suffered seventy percent casualty.” Erwin’s voice wakes Levi from his light sleep. They are both naked and skin touched comfortably, wetly under the sheets as the light slowly swarmed into the room, turning it red and gold like the colours of the crest of arms of some house they had once patrolled as prostitutes.  Levi rubs sleep out of his eyes before turning lazily to his nighttime lover and raised his eyebrows.

“Erwin.” He says quietly, trying to soften the words before he drove them in. “How the _fuck_ were you Sina’s most wanted male escort when you still haven’t understood that _death_ and _murder_ and _casualty_ is not anywhere on the list of things people talk about after fucking?”

“I possibly just got lucky.” Erwin frowned, and then let the smile dawn on his face grudgingly, elbowing Levi in the ribs  before throwing his other arm over him, drawing him closer. They lay like that for a long, long time – even as the sun rose high and bright and yellow and their bodies grew hot and slick. Levi had enjoyed more than anything the years he had spent in Erwin’s bed – he had loved how they would jointly venture to patrons houses and engage in a threesome that was at its’ core, Levi and Erwin penetrating with eyes and minds. The feelings he had nowadays, were tight and hot in his chest like burning metal tongs that stripped him of his layers one by one, skin, flesh, blood, heart. He hates the thought of being in love with Erwin – it sickens him, the fact that he treasured more the moments of lying by his side and falling asleep, or eating hastily cooked eggs together for lunch, than the moments of drawn out orgasm. He remembers a line from a story someone had told once – perhaps an opium addict in the Underground – “you have let me tame you – and I think when you let yourself be tamed, you also embrace the possibility of letting yourself cry.” Levi feels tamed and tired, so he turns his face into the crook of Erwin’s bare neck and lets his tears mingle with sweat.

“Why do you weep?” Erwin asks, but the question isn’t too forced or curious, Levi’s tears came slowly and languidly, it was not the harsh crying of grief. But Erwin wished to know everything about Levi, everything he chose to tell the Commander, he strings them like little beads around his heart, wrapping across and over and under. The sheets are heavy on top of them and outside, Erwin hears the bustle of soldiers training, their blades clashing with the sound of light, frothy steel.

“I don’t know.” Levi admits, and raises himself into a sitting position, surveys his thumbnail. “Leave it. Let’s get dressed, fuckin’ Mike is probably losing his shit over the training regime, you know he doesn’t like arranging new routines.”

“All right.” Erwin rises, and Levi lets the morose thoughts leak into his brain for a while – a little while, he pleads with himself, lets himself think of sentimentality and sadness and god forbid, love. He lays his head on the pillow and languidly watches Erwin’s shoulders move as he put on his shirt – how his hair was clean and shaven on the sides but unruly on top till he dipped his comb in water and began pressing down his hair in his usual, professional style, the loose curls disappearing into wet lines, as if on a cornfield being harvested.

“You know,” Levi says conversationally, raising himself off the bed and putting on the tights he discarded yesterday, and he would drown himself before wearing old underwear, so he went without, causing Erwin to raise his eyebrows suggestively. “It’s so shitty – I mean, so fucking weird, isn’t it? That your hair is actually so curly, and childish, like… fuckin’ curls, Erwin. But what – what everyone else sees is your shitty ass straight military undercut, what you _want_ them to see. It’s…bloody weird.”

In Levi’s stammered statement, a lot of things went unsaid, and he knew Erwin understood what he meant. Erwin’s hair being curly, Erwin’s thoughts being insecure, Erwin’s kisses being yearning – these were all the things only Levi could see and hold in his palm like miniature marbles, hot in his hand. Erwin kisses him, on the corner of his lip, like a mother, before exiting the room and walking down the corridor to the right to his office. Levi wonders how long it would be till the next expedition, where he could smell putrid Titan gore and feel the flesh sizzling off his skin. It was beautiful, in it’s own way, the red insides of the Titans burning up into nothing on his pale, veined skin. It gives him control – no matter they are twenty metres, no matter they vomit out dead comrades, when their flesh touches his skin, they are nothing and he is everything. And after the expedition – he feels startlingly similar to the Titans, when Erwin smiles a secret smile at him, proud of his kill count, proud of his actions. That’s when Levi feels like a Titan – sizzling into nothingness in the wake of his lover.

-

“Eren, Kirschtein, I fucking swear to all three of the Walls and all the Titan shit in the world, if this mess is not cleaned up in one hour exactly, I will make you do what that shitty potato girl had to do. And I will _make sure_ you are dead by the end of it, and no fucking bread will make you wake up again.” Levi’s dark eyes widened as he stared up at the two boys, Eren practically shaking (he had, after all, felt the sting of Levi’s boot before), and Jean looking dangerously close to wetting himself, his eye twitching manically. The two had fought over placement in the cafeteria and ended up in an all out food fight, and the floor as a result was murky and slippery. Levi wondered if this was hell.

“You should have gone easy on them, Captain.” said Petra from her position on the table to avoid the food on the floor. “I mean, they’re fifteen, they fight over food – it’s pretty natural.”

“I killed three men on my fifteenth birthday.” Levi raised his brows and checked his fingernails.

“Very droll.” Petra rolled her eyes, before smiling. “It’s both ugly as well as heartwarming, isn’t it? That these kids are here fighting a war, that one of them can shift into a monster, losing their comrades and parents and still – they manage to throw food at each other just because one of them got a fish cutlet instead of meat. It’s so normal – reminds me of home, Captain, if you don’t mind me saying so.”

“Eh, well. Next time they waste food, I’m taking it out of the paycheck.” Levi muttered as Petra waved at him before leaving. He mulled the thought over within himself – normal things – was it then on the same level of normality that he cherished waking up next to Erwin almost every morning? How he wanted to spend his entire life by this one bedside, when only a couple of years before – he kept count of all the people he had fucked. Levi wonders if this was normality, and he wonders why he deserves it – people like him who have let his body be used by nobles and who has killed men without flinching. Normality belonged to people like those idiots cleaning the floor in the corner, Levi knows, but somehow by some rare chance he has been given a taste of it – and the taste stays long in his mouth, like charcoal you use to clean your teeth.

“Captain Levi?” Erwin’s formal voice entered the room along with him as Jean and Eren respectfully saluted, brooms clattering to the floor along with the dustpan, spilling dirt across the linoleum. Levi gave them the evil eye.

“Yes, Commander?” Levi raised his eyebrows. He has never pretended to give Erwin, or anyone, a smidge more respect than they truly deserved, regardless of rank or status so he did not rise and press his heart to his hand.

“May I confer with you in the next room? Certain figures do not add up in our expedition bills.” Erwin scratched his chin and looked strangely young – like he had that day Levi accused him of being homosexual.

“Yes, what the hell.” Levi sighed, hoisting himself off the table where he sat and picking his way across the floor. He paused to glare again at Eren and Jean, and looked at the floor like it were a personal insult to him.

“Hey –“ Jean whispered, after Levi had been gone for ten minutes or so. “Hey, blockhead, what say you we dump the brooms and run for it?”

“Were you dropped on your square head when you were born, Jean?” Eren’s eye twitched. “Look at this bruise. Look at my eye. Do you want Captain Levi to set fire to your bed while you sleep, you fucking dumb shit?”

“You deserved it, didn’t you, changing into a huge-ass shit monster?” Jean paused then – considering the impact of Levi’s boot against his own face. It would probably throw off the alignment of his jaw, he decided, and that would make Mikasa go from ignoring him to actively avoiding him. That was not part of his numerous plans for her, so he turns to Eren conspiratorially. “We need a new plan.”

“Let’s see…” Eren rested the broom against the rough mess hall table and looked at Jean, the rivals united in sloth. “Hey, he’s with Commander Erwin in the next room, right? He’s not going to yell at us when the Commander is there, Petra told me a while ago that Levi really admires him.”

“Admires him, or admires how clean his boots are?” Jean snorted unattractively, before considering Eren’s idea. “Right, so let’s see what they’re up to – and if they seem busy or something, we’ll make a run for it and bribe Sasha or Armin to clear the floor for us later. In the present, Levi won’t yell at us if the Commander is there.”

“Stop talking as if it’s your idea, horse shit!” Eren’s eyes bulged as he poked at Jean with the dirty edge of the dustpan. “Now look into that air vent – we need to see if the Commander is still with Erwin.”

“I’ll do that, your swollen bruised eye can’t see your own dick.” Jean bent down and looked through the air vent to the next room. He sees blurred figures close together and wonders what the hell they could be talking about that was so secretive. He blinked, and realized that the Commander’s hand – was. His breathing came faster and he wondered if this was how he would die, his eye to a peephole to an extravagant depraved show. He made an audible squeaking sound as Levi dropped to his knees and there was a faint sound of an zipper being undone. Jean felt something in his throat and debated whether it was his heart or vomit.

“What brought this about, shit face?” Levi’s voice was faint and Jean’s cheeks turned even hotter – Levi was talking rough, that meant this definitely was not a two-cent nightmare. Levi’s face was uncomfortably close to Erwin’s groin, and Jean closed his eyes, mortified.

“You weren’t wearing underwear today, remember?” Erwin’s voice was a low groan. “You left it on the floor in my room. I’ve been thinking about it all day… and hungering.”

This was the last straw. Jean collapsed to the floor.

“What the hell, horse brain, can’t you do a simple task?” Eren chided, pulling his friend up by the shoulders and shaking him. “Are they in there or not?”

“The Captain –“ Jean squeaked. “Is not wearing any underwear.”

“The hell?” Eren moved Jean aside and shoved his unbruised eye to the vent, and his eye immediately began twitching, as the two in the other room had already progressed to less clothed and far more explicit events. He shoved his fist in his mouth to stop from choking – he had a perfect and horrifying view of Levi’s ass as well as Erwin’s pleasured face. Eren tore his eye away, and still twitching, grabbed the incoherent Jean off the floor, and dragged him out of the mess hall through the other exit, and ran until they reached the grounds, sweating and panting.

“What’s the matter?” Hange asked, writing something in her notebook. “I thought Levi set you to cleaning the mess hall, both of you.”

“The Commander…” Jean babbled, his eyes rolling up slightly. “…was…hungering…”

“What?” Hange asked, frowning.

“Captain Levi – er – his behind – and the Commander –“ Eren stammered, his cheeks fiery.

“Oh, shit, you’ve caught them at it, haven’t you?” Hange snorted, tossing her book aside to let herself double over in mirth. “Well, this is your official welcome to the Corps, boys.”

-

“Erwin –“ Levi’s voice dragged itself out of his throat with the reluctance of a dying man. “She was talking about how glad she was our lives were somewhat normal.”

Erwin clasped Levi to his chest, his arms enveloping him and drawing closer like strings on a half-formed not. Levi’s face was pressing so hard into Erwin’s shirt that he felt the indentations of the cloth would remain upon his face forever, the impact of buttons and stitches. He thinks of Erd, Aururo, and innocent, laughing Petra who lay at the bottom of a tree, at the bottom of a grave and at the bottom of her father’s heart. He shivers slightly because she was the one who craved normality, indulged in it – yet it was him who was standing in the moonlight in his lover’s arms. He deserved nothing of this.

Erwin’s lips press to Levi’s dark hair and through to his forehead, where it remains. It wasn’t a chaste, beautiful forehead kiss like lovers on the streets – it was more motherly than anything, instinct and protectiveness surging like a cloud over Erwin. He hungers for Levi, but not sexually – he hungers for him when he cried, or when he makes burned meat for breakfast or oversalted porridge. He hungers for Levi when he sleeps restlessly, come leaking down his thighs, he hungers for him when he spots him through the curtains – cursing relentlessly at some poor kid who spilled manure on his shoes. He hungered for him in all his beauty, naked and shimmering, he hungered for him in all his ugliness, covered in Titan gore and sweat and blood. After he realized it was not what was in between Levi’s legs but the idiosyncrasies and innocuousness of his daily activities that drew him, that whilst he was gay, and he had learned it was a sin – Levi was someone he feels like worshipping daily. And so – he draws Levi to him closer until neither of them can breathe and the embrace is almost dangerous.

“Burn your bolo tie.” Levi says darkly, his eyes wet and burning like holes in a skull. “Give it here, I want to fucking burn it.”

“Yes.” Erwin knows. “I have others. Take it.”

They sit and watch the glass turn black, black, ugly.

“It looks disgusting.” Levi spits, his lips curling upward. He thinks of Aururo and how he would drip blood on the clean floor from his uncontrollable tongue. His foot hurts. His heart hurts. He thinks cruelly, that Erwin should have something precious taken away from him – something that would make sure he would not send away innocent lives.

“That’s what it is, inside.” Erwin closes his eyes and leans into Levi, drawing and giving. “When it is purified by fire, that’s what it is – ugly, and charred, and dangerous, although it is beautiful and shimmering outside.”

“Like you.” Levi says cruelly, maddened by grief.

“Yes.” Erwin agrees in a whisper. “Exactly like me.”

-

“Where is he?” Levi’s eyes are wild and dangerous, his hands curled into fists that trembled and twisted, sweat making them wet and uncomfortable. his hair hung over his eyes, and if Mike was alive, he would remember this was how Levi had looked that first day when they dragged him into Shadis’ office, wild eyed and beautiful. If Mike were alive, he would have remembered the intensity with which Erwin stared at him, long and low, anger and curiosity. Presently, Levi’s fists curled into Hange’s collar and it was a gesture more pleading and desperate than violent.

“Hange, tell me where Erwin is.” He almost begs. He had heard tell from Jean that Erwin had passed out on the way back, fainted from blood loss. But Levi controlled himself. He controlled whatever beast that rose and screamed within him with a primal desire to find, kill, love – and he began filling paperwork to ensure the safety of the children, Historia and Eren’s future. And if the parchment was stained by a stray tear, or a feverish shudder, nobody noticed. But now – as Hange pointed him to the infirm room, he stares, wide eyed, at how Erwin was almost the colour of the hospital sheet, his hair lank and chin unshaven. His eyes looked dully toward Levi – as though with a quiet “save me” written in his glance. Levi remembers then, the first time he had seen Erwin, beautiful and angry as he defended Shadis – the first time he and Erwin had shared a woman, how Erwin looked so young that night, how he stared into Levi’s eyes at the moment of orgasm. He remembers too, the last night he saw Erwin, his words and thoughts were ugly and cruel, meant to twist and hurt.

“Levi –“ Erwin’s voice is hoarse with disuse but deep and undoubtedly _him,_ and Levi walks forward, touches his face on the raised platform of pillows. “You’ve come to see your cripple.”

There is a hole in Erwin’s side – where there was once a sinewy arm.

It would stop him from sending away innocent sacrifices. It was precious to him. Levi wants to burn himself alive.

“It –“ Levi closes his eyes. “Fucking hell, Erwin, one expedition without me and you’re already losing your shitty limbs.”

“I’m filthy, am I not?” Erwin scoffs, gesturing to his bandages with blood and fluid soaking through. “Best healthcare in Sina, _fuck_.”

“When did you wake?” Levi asks him, his hand still on the pallid face.

“Two hours ago.” A pause. “I dreamt of you.”

“Was it a sex dream?” Levi asks vulgarly, trying to drag normality into the room by it’s tail, kicking and screaming. “Was my cock in it?”

“No. It was just you.” An abrupt shift. “You know, Mike is dead.”

“I know. I filled his death report.” Levi admits.

“His body?”

“Not found. But remains were.” Levi swallowed. “Testing by Hange proved that the body was his.”

“You shouldn’t –“ Erwin’s voice broke. “Have made Hange test it. They were friends –“

Erwin’s head bowed and his eyes welled, his face reddening, and Levi knew the man was about to cry. He wanted to turn away, inadequate, or perhaps to scream at him that it was unfair he gets to mourn the deaths of his own. But for the first time, he extends his arms to envelop his lover’s shuddering shoulders, and for the first time – he comforts. He stands there for a long time.

Was it for this, Levi wonders feverishly, was it for _this_ the Sun shone?

-

But times came and passed and turned and the laws of time threaded into each other, sewing Erwin and Levi closer and closer. Prison, meeting Kenny, everything – slow and fast and loud and quiet. In the end, the Titans have not been eradicated, but Historia is queen, and Eren is getting stronger, day by day. They have the Serum, and with the briefcase they stand atop Wall Maria – and look not outside, but toward the city. It was in the city, after all, that they had initially met. It was in the city that Erwin finds that loving men was just the same as loving women. It was in the city they loved and lost and grieved and gained – so they looked towards it, their backs to the future.

“I’m glad –“ Levi thinks about how he would phrase this. “I’m glad that I know your hair is shitty and curly when you don’t comb it. It’s…good to know – that you take up three quarters of the bed with your humongous fucking body but none of the sheets.”

“I love you.” Erwin said simply, as was his way. “I love you so much that it is dangerous to humanity.”

For years, they had harbored love but never said it – for theirs was a world of bloodshed and gore and homophobia, and only people like Petra could hope for some sort of normality, and even then you may end up smashed at the bottom of a tree. But obviously, you may wonder, Reader, as Erwin and Levi descend the steps into the city, this is not their ending. Their stories are unfinished, and they will continue losing, gaining, loving, grieving – they will do what they want and more. But the end of their beginning dawns with their declarations atop the Wall, their backs to the Sun, because their beginning was only humble, and vulgar. Their beginning was a captain, commander, and two whores that sold their bodies for funding, and the story of the prostitutes ends with Erwin and Levi walking down the Wall. Next for them, is a story of lovers – and this story does not need to be written down, as love is love, not ink.

To answer Levi’s desperate question – this _was_ why the Sun shone, to burn away, but in it’s fire – growth and rebirth and beauty.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's it! i chose to end it where canon is now, so it fits along with what's happening. 
> 
> anyway, please do tell me here if you've enjoyed reading it, or what you've liked about it, or anything, really! i'll be really grateful, and thank you so much x

**Author's Note:**

> this is going to be a short story (only about 15 000 words) so i will sincerely appreciate any comment or review that you leave about the writing, or the story, or absolutely anything, thank you! x
> 
> (you can also contact me at trashyeruri.tumblr.com)


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